What takes the most pressure off parents of small children is not more cleaning or better apps, but someone taking the worst hour: the late afternoon between pick-up and dinner. After that comes a clear division of who is responsible for what, fewer activities and an earlier dinner. What rarely helps is anything that needs planning from you to work.
It is quarter past five in a terraced house in Sköndal. Mum has just picked up two children, one is screaming because they are the wrong boots, the other has fallen asleep in the pushchair and will now be awake until nine. Dad is on the tunnelbana and home in forty minutes. Dinner hasn't been started. Neither of them is doing anything wrong. They just have a schedule with no margin, and that margin is what this article is about.
Where the week breaks
It is rarely spread evenly across the day. It breaks in the same places every time.
| Time | What happens | What would change it |
|---|---|---|
| Morning, 7 to 8.15 | Everyone has to leave at once, nobody can find the mittens, one child refuses | Clothes laid out the night before, a fixed order, one parent who only has the children |
| 15.30 to 17.00 | Förskola (municipal preschool, from age one) closes, work isn't over, someone has to leave | Someone else does the pick-up two days a week |
| 17.00 to 18.00 | Everyone hungry and tired at the same time, dinner takes an hour to cook | Dinner at five, made in advance or kept simple, a snack at pick-up |
| The evening after bedtime | Dishes, laundry, emails, and no energy left to talk to each other | Fewer things that have to be done in the evening, not more hours |
| The weekend | Shopping, laundry, parties, relatives, and on Sunday evening nobody is rested | A half day that is empty, every weekend, with no plans |
What actually takes the pressure off
- Someone else taking the afternoon a few days a week. Not because you don't want to be with your children, but because four o'clock on a Tuesday is the worst time in the whole week to be with them. The same person every time, who does the pick-up, gives them a snack and starts dinner. That is what gives you the most hours back. How it works in practice is in A nanny who picks up from preschool.
- Earlier dinner. Children under five are hungry at five, not half past six. Food at five, simple and the same every week: Tuesday is pancakes, Thursday is fish fingers. That isn't boring, it is what children want.
- Areas of responsibility instead of tasks. Whoever has bedtime has all of bedtime, from bath to lights out, without asking where the pyjamas are. Whoever has förskola has all of förskola: nappies, spare clothes, the progress meetings, the emails. Shared tasks mean one person plans and the other carries out, and it is the planning that wears you down.
- Fewer activities. A three-year-old doesn't need swimming lessons, music and gymnastics. One activity a week, perhaps none. Most children under five are happiest in the courtyard.
- One empty half day per weekend. No plans, no relatives, no parties. That half day is what gets you through Monday.
What costs money but rarely helps
- Cleaning once a month. Nice, but it isn't the dust that makes you tired. It is five o'clock.
- Meal kits that take an hour to cook. If dinner still takes an hour, you haven't gained anything.
- Family calendar apps. They work if both of you fill them in. Otherwise it is one more person planning for everyone.
- A babysitting service that sends a different person each time. Then you start over every time, and so does your child. More on that in Regular nanny or occasional babysitting.
Who does what: the uncomfortable sums
Most couples believe they share equally. Few do. What rarely shows is what is called the mental load: knowing the nappies are nearly out, that the winter coat is too small, that förskola has a planning day on Friday, that the party needs a present. The person who knows all that is doing a job even when the other one does the pick-up. Count for two weeks. Write down every single thing, including night wakings and planning. The result is often unpleasant, but it is the only way to redistribute. And divide up responsibility, not tasks: whoever has the laundry has the laundry, completely, without reminders.
Parental leave and VAB: what is there to use
Many families don't use what they are entitled to. Parental leave days can be taken in parts and in different ways, and they can be used to shorten the week during the heaviest years. VAB (paid leave to care for a sick child) is there when your child is ill, and it is a right, not a favour from your employer. The rules are in Parental leave in Sweden and VAB. What does not exist, though, is any compensation for förskola closing at half past five when you finish at six. That hour you have to solve yourselves, and that is why it is so expensive.
If you decide to get help
The most common arrangement among our families is two or three afternoons a week with the same nanny: pick-up, playground or home, snack, play, the start of dinner. The parents come home at six to children who have had their snack and a dinner that is almost ready. The price depends on the number of hours per week, from 165 kr per hour after the RUT deduction (RUT is the Swedish 50% tax deduction for household services, taken off the invoice directly), and one or two children cost the same. No fees beyond the hours, no notice period. See the prices page. The free meeting in your home is for working out your particular week, not for selling you a package.
How we do it with our families
A family in Enskede with children aged two and five had what they themselves called a perfectly ordinary week: both worked until five, pick-up had to be done by half past five, and dinner was ready at quarter to seven for children who had been screaming since six. Now Denise comes on Tuesdays and Thursdays at four. She does the pick-up, goes via the playground if it is dry, gives them a snack and puts the potatoes on. When Mum walks in at six, the children are sitting at the table. The note says what they ate, whether the two-year-old napped at förskola and what the five-year-old said about the day. What Mum said after two months was that Thursdays had become a good day, and that it rubbed off on Wednesday, because she knew Thursday was coming.
Would you like a nanny who comes on the same days every week and whom the children know? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home, and we will work out a quote for your hours.
Read more: Parental leave in Sweden · VAB · A nanny who picks up from preschool · Prices
Frequently asked questions
What is the first thing to change if everything feels like too much?
The late afternoon between pick-up and dinner. That is where most families break, because that is when everyone is tired and hungry at the same time. If you solve that, with an earlier dinner, a fixed routine or someone else doing the pick-up, the rest of the day gets less tense. Don't start by cleaning more.
How do we share the housework fairly?
Count hours, not tasks, for two weeks. Pick-up, bedtime, cooking, laundry, night wakings, planning. Write everything down. Most couples discover that the one who thinks they do half does a third, and that the planning, knowing what is needed, sits with one person. Then divide up areas of responsibility, not individual chores.
Is it wrong to get help when we both work normal hours?
No. It is precisely when you both work normal hours that the afternoon is shortest and the need greatest. Help is not a sign that you can't cope. It is a way of making the hours you do have with your children good hours, not just logistics.
What do families usually regret?
Waiting. Most of the families we meet have had a hard time for a year or more before they do anything, because they assumed it would pass once the child got older. It changes, but it doesn't pass. The other regret is getting help that didn't help: a cleaner once a month when the problem was five o'clock every day.
How much help do we need?
Usually less than you think. Two afternoons a week with the same person who does the pick-up, gives them a snack and starts dinner is enough for many families to make the week add up. It gives you two days when you can work until six without watching the clock, and that rubs off on the other three.