Grandma, whether mormor (your mother's mother) or farmor (your father's mother), is often the most reassuring childcare a child can have: someone who loves the child and whom you trust without reservation. What wears thin is when it turns into everyday logistics: fixed pick-ups, different rules, and a grandparent who does not dare say no. What works is one fixed day she can plan around, clear rules about the things that matter to you, and letting go of the rest.
It is Wednesday and farmor has done the förskola pick-up in Bromma three days in a row this week, because mum has a client who is making life difficult and dad is in Göteborg. Farmor is 71. She says it is no problem. She would never say anything else. That is where it starts to chafe for many families: not in a conflict, but in everything that goes unsaid.
What works, and what no nanny can replace
- The child knows who she is. No settling-in period, no worry at the door. Grandma belongs.
- She knows the child. How he likes his sandwich, that she sleeps best with the window ajar. And she knows you, which means she understands why you do things the way you do. Usually.
- It costs nothing, or little. For families with small margins it is the difference between making everyday life work and not.
- The child gets a relationship. Time with grandparents is not childcare to the child, it is something of its own. A child who grows up with a farmor who picks them up on Thursdays has something that cannot be booked.
- She is flexible. Förskola (municipal preschool, from age one) calls about a fever at eleven, and farmor can come. No service can promise that.
What wears thin
The problems are almost never dramatic. They are small and recurring, and they grow because nobody says anything.
| What chafes | Why it happens | What usually helps |
|---|---|---|
| She does not do things our way | She raised children thirty years ago and it turned out fine. She thinks you overcomplicate things. | Choose three things that matter to you. Let the rest go. |
| She never says no | She wants to be helpful and is afraid of being needed less if she says no. | Fixed days she can plan around. Do not ask for extra unless you have to. |
| We feel guilty | You are accepting something you cannot pay back, and it shows in every request. | Say thank you often. Give her something back that she wants, not money. |
| She gets tired | Two children under four is physically heavy at 70, however much she wants to. | Shorter shifts. One day instead of three. Relief from a nanny. |
| The child behaves differently afterwards | Different rules, more sweets, later bedtime. The child is testing where the limits are. | Talk about bedtime and screens. Accept that grandma's house is not home. |
How to talk about rules without it becoming a row
There are two mistakes you can make. One is to take on everything: the sweets, the screen, the fact that she holds him in her arms until he falls asleep, how she talks about food. Then you become the parents who are never satisfied, and she stops listening. The other is to say nothing and then sit in the car on the way home being angry. Instead, choose what really matters to you, usually sleep, safety and any allergies, and say it plainly and concretely: we want him to sleep in his own bed at seven. Not: we think you are too soft. The rest, an extra ice cream and half an hour more of Bolibompa (the children's TV slot) at grandma's, is the kind of difference children cope with perfectly well. Children know that grandma's house is not home. It is you who struggle with it, not them.
Money, RUT and what cannot be deducted
Many families want to give something back, and the question of money is awkward. The rule is simple: payment you make privately to grandma gives no RUT deduction (RUT is the Swedish 50 per cent tax deduction for household services, taken off the invoice directly), because RUT requires the work to be done by a company with F-tax registration or by an employee with employer contributions and everything that entails. A grandmother who is paid regularly is, in theory, earning taxable income. Most families solve it other ways: paying her travel, taking her out to dinner, giving her a spa weekend, or simply saying thank you and meaning it. What does not work is pretending she works for free and then treating her like an employee, with demands about times and methods. If it is a job, it should be a job, and then there are better solutions. What a nanny costs after RUT is on our prices page.
When it is time to ease the load
The signs creep up on you. She says yes but sounds tired. She starts forgetting things, or you notice she cannot manage the playground any more and puts the TV on instead. She is ill more often. Or you notice it in yourselves: you do not dare ask for a fourth day, and you do not dare say anything about her falling asleep on the sofa while the three-year-old was awake. It is not time to take grandma away. It is time to give her one day instead of three, and solve the rest in a way that does not depend on her. A Regular nanny or occasional babysitting two days a week means grandma gets to be grandma again, and you no longer have to ask. Many of our families have exactly that arrangement. If your child is under one, see also A nanny for your baby.
How we do it with our families
A family in Täby had farmor on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for over a year, until farmor developed back problems and said nothing. It was the father who called us, not farmor. Now Esther comes on Mondays and Wednesdays and picks up the two-year-old at four, and farmor has Fridays. Esther writes a note every time, and on Friday farmor reads it: that he has started saying no to the nappy, that he has been sleeping better without the dummy. Farmor does not write anything back, that is not her style, but she calls the mother on Friday evening and tells her. What changed was not the child's week. It was that farmor stopped being tired on Saturdays, and the mother stopped apologising when she called.
Would you like a nanny who comes on the same days every week and whom the children know? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home, and we will work out a plan around your hours.
Read more: A nanny for your baby · Regular nanny or occasional babysitting · The first time with a babysitter · Prices
Frequently asked questions
Should we pay grandma for looking after the children?
Many families do, others do not, and both can work. What matters is that it is clear. A regular commitment, several days a week, is work, and then payment is reasonable. Bear in mind that private payment between you gives no RUT deduction, and that a grandmother who receives a wage should, in theory, be taxed on it.
How do we tell grandma she is doing things we do not want?
Concretely and one thing at a time. Not about how she is, but about what you want: we want her in bed at seven, we want no sweets on weekdays. Say it before it has become a problem, not after the tenth time. And choose what is worth taking on: sweets on a Saturday are rarely worth a conflict.
How much can we ask without it being too much?
Ask her, and believe the answer. Many grandparents say yes to everything because they want to, and then cannot manage it. One fixed day a week she can plan around is often better than constant requests. If you notice she is tired afterwards or starts saying no more often, cut back before she has to say it herself.
Can grandma and a nanny be combined?
Yes, and it is a common arrangement among our families. Grandma takes one day, the nanny takes two, and grandma keeps her role as grandma instead of becoming everyday logistics. The same nanny every time means your child has two fixed adults besides you, which also helps when grandma is ill or away.
What do we do when grandma cannot manage any more?
It comes for most families, and it is easier to meet if you have seen it coming. Thank her, say you understand, and have a plan that does not rely on her. Switch to occasional help instead of fixed days, so she gets to choose. A regular nanny who already knows the children makes the transition easier for everyone.