The first time with a babysitter works best when the child has already met her, the routines are written down on the kitchen table, the session is short, and you say a proper goodbye instead of sneaking out. It sounds simple. It is what separates a first session that goes well from one that stays with the child.
The first session decides the next twenty. If it goes well, the babysitter becomes someone the child looks forward to. If it goes badly, every future session becomes a negotiation. Here is the checklist we go through with every new family, and it works whoever the babysitter is.
Thursday, half past three, a terraced house in Bromma. The three-year-old is sitting in the hall with her jacket on, even though she is the one staying at home, because she has understood that something is about to happen but not what. The babysitter arrives in ten minutes. Mum has a meeting at four and has booked three hours. This is the session that decides the next twenty, and most of what decides how it goes has already been done, or not done, in advance.
Before: a week ahead
- Meet first, in daylight, with you at home. That is why we always do a trial meeting. A child who wakes up and meets a stranger is frightened. A child who recognises her goes back to sleep.
- Tell the child what is going to happen. Not on the day, a few days before, and then again. “On Thursday Maria is coming while Mummy is at work.” Small children need to hear it several times.
- Book a short session. Two to three hours. Not a whole evening, not a whole afternoon. You want to see how it went before you book more.
What you say to the child, by age
| Age | What you say | What usually happens |
|---|---|---|
| Under 1 | Nothing, but let the baby see you together with the babysitter, in your arms, relaxed | Babies read you. If you are relaxed it usually goes fine |
| 1 to 2 | “Maria is coming to play, Mummy's coming back later.” On the day, simply | Cries at the door, stops within a few minutes. Separation anxiety is at its peak here |
| 3 to 5 | A few days before, and again on the day. What will happen, in order, and when you are back in the child's own terms | Asks a hundred times, nervous in the hall, forgets about you after ten minutes |
| 6 to 9 | A week before. Let the child help decide what they will do with the babysitter | Sometimes thinks it is unnecessary. Works best when the babysitter has something the child chose themselves |
Why one-year-olds react the way they do, and what helps, is in Separation anxiety in babies and toddlers.
Before: on the day
- Write down the routine and put it on the kitchen table. Mealtimes, snacks, what the child may and may not eat, toothbrushing, night light, cuddly toy. Everything that is obvious to you is unknown to her.
- Leave contact details in writing. Your numbers, a backup contact, and the address; whoever calls 112 should not have to look for it.
- Allergies, medicines, fears. Written down, not mentioned at the door.
- Show her around. Where things are, how the cooker works, where the first-aid kit is, which door locks behind you.
The note on the kitchen table: a template
- Times: snack, dinner, bedtime
- Food: what there is, what is off limits, allergies
- The bedtime routine, in the order you do it
- What usually works when the child is upset, and what does not
- Your numbers, backup contact, the address with the door code
- Where things are: first aid, torch, spare clothes
- When you will be home, roughly, and whether you want a text
A ready-made template to print is in The note for the babysitter.
The goodbye moment
This is the part most people get wrong, out of kindness. Sneaking out while the child is playing feels gentle, but the child notices, and learns that a parent can vanish at any moment. Next time they cling to your leg from the moment the babysitter arrives.
Do the opposite: say goodbye clearly, say when you will be back in a way the child understands (“after snack time”, not “at six o'clock”), and go. If the child cries, go anyway, calmly. Almost all children stop within a few minutes once the parent is out of sight.
| Do | Don't |
|---|---|
| Say goodbye clearly | Sneak out |
| Say when you are back in the child's own terms | Give a clock time |
| Leave calmly even if the child cries | Come back in to comfort them |
| Ask for a text after a quarter of an hour | Ring three times |
During the session
Ask the babysitter to send a text after a quarter of an hour. It reassures you, and frankly it reassures you more than it reassures the child, who has usually stopped crying before you reach the car. Do not ring. Every call interrupts what the babysitter is in the middle of building.
Afterwards
Ask the babysitter how it went, in concrete terms. What did the child eat, how did bedtime go, did they cry and if so for how long. Ask the child the next day, not the same evening. And if something felt wrong: tell the company straight away, not after the third time. It is better to change early than to drag it out.
Common first-time mistakes
- Too long a session. A whole evening the first time is a gamble. Two hours is a test.
- A new babysitter on the same evening as an important dinner. Then there is no room to call it off, and the child senses the stress in the hall.
- Sneaking out. See above. It is the most common mistake and the most expensive.
- Ringing. Every call restarts what the babysitter has just settled.
- Lying about when you will be home. “Soon” that turns into three hours teaches the child not to trust what you say next time.
- Bribing with sweets and screens. Then the first session becomes a party that every future session has to live up to.
- Talking about the child over their head. “She's really hard to get to bed” is heard by the child, and lived up to.
- Leaving a child who is ill or has not slept. Rebook. A first session on a bad day is a bad first session, and it is not the babysitter's fault.
If it did not go well
A child who cried for ten minutes and then played had a good first session. A child who cried for an hour, did not eat and clung to the babysitter the whole time had a hard day, but that does not mean it was the wrong person: try once more, shorter, with you at home for a while at the start. What is a reason to change straight away is if the babysitter did not follow the note, did not get in touch as you asked, or if the child says something the next day that does not match her account. Tell the company the same day. What to do when the child objects before you have even started is in When your child doesn't want a babysitter.
The first time with a baby
In the first year the first session is more about feeding and sleep than about goodbyes. The bottle should be established beforehand, the session placed between two feeds, and the babysitter should be experienced with babies. The whole set-up is in A nanny for your baby.
What we do differently
With us, the trial meeting is not an optional extra, it is step two in the process. You meet the nanny in your home with the children present, free of charge for around 30 minutes, and only after that is a session booked. And because it is the same nanny every time, the checklist only needs doing once.
How we do it with our families
A family in Bromma with a three-year-old booked their first session for a Thursday in September. Aleksandra had visited them the week before, and Esther had met the girl one morning at the playground with her mum beside her. On Thursday at half past three Esther arrived, and Mum said goodbye in the hall: “I'll be back when you've had your snack.” The girl cried for four minutes. Esther sent a text after a quarter of an hour: “She's building towers, all fine.” They were at the playground from three to five, had a snack, read three books. The note said: “Cried 4 min, ate a sandwich and an apple, no problems, wants the same book next time.” The next Thursday the girl was sitting in the hall waiting, jacket on, because she wanted to go to the playground. The checklist needs doing once. After that it is the same nanny, the same Thursday, and nobody in the hall is crying.
Would you like a nanny who comes on the same days every week, someone the children know? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home, and we will work out the hours with you.
Read more: Evening and overnight babysitting · Nanny or babysitter · The note for the babysitter · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
How do you prepare a child for their first time with a babysitter?
Let the child meet the babysitter in daylight, with you present, before the first real session. Tell them a few days ahead what is going to happen, and again on the day, in order: who is coming, what they will do, when you are back in the child's own terms. Say a proper goodbye when you leave; sneaking out makes the next time harder, not easier.
What should you leave for the babysitter?
Your phone numbers, a backup contact, the address written down with the door code, the child's routines written out in order, and information about allergies, medicines and fears. Put it on the kitchen table; what is obvious to you is unknown to someone else. Show her around the home too: the cooker, the first-aid kit, which door locks behind you.
How long should the first session be?
Short. Two to three hours is enough for the first time, in the daytime or early afternoon. It is easier for the child, and it gives you a chance to see how it went before you book a whole afternoon or an evening. A first session that is a Friday night until eleven is the most common mistake, and it often goes fine anyway, but not always.
What do you do if the child cries when you leave?
Leave anyway, calmly and firmly, after a proper goodbye. Almost all children stop crying within a few minutes once the parent is out of sight. Ask the babysitter to send a text after a quarter of an hour; it reassures you more than it reassures the child. Do not come back in to comfort them, that starts it all over again, and the child learns that crying makes you stay.
Should we be at home during the first session?
For the first meeting, yes: the child should see you together with the babysitter, relaxed, for a while. During the first real session you should leave, otherwise it is not a session; the child sticks to you and the babysitter never gets a chance. Go out, do something that takes two hours, and come back when you said. Sitting in the next room makes it harder for all three of you.