Separation anxiety starts for most children somewhere between six and twelve months, is often at its strongest around one to eighteen months and then fades gradually through the second and third year. It is a sign that your child understands you still exist when you leave, and that they prefer you. It passes, and there are ways to make it easier.
A nine-month-old in a hallway in Årsta, a quarter to eight on a Monday morning. Last month she would go to anyone; now she screams the moment her mother puts on her coat. Grandma, whom she has seen every week since birth, is suddenly a stranger. Nothing has happened in the family. Her brain has simply caught up.
Why does it start now?
Around eight months, a baby works out that things still exist even when they cannot be seen, what is known as object permanence. It sounds like a small thing, but it turns their world upside down. Before, you were simply gone when you left the room; now you are somewhere, and the baby wants to be there too. What the baby does not have is any sense of time. Five minutes and five hours are the same thing. That is why they cry just as much when you go to the toilet as when you go to work.
At the same time the baby becomes mobile and crawls away from you, and nature has built in a counterweight: a strong need to keep you in sight. Add the fear of strangers, which often arrives at the same time, and you have a child who clings. It is a healthy sign and a sign of secure attachment. Children who do not react at all when their parents leave are not more secure, rather the opposite.
What it looks like at different ages
| Age | Typical behaviour | What helps |
|---|---|---|
| 6 to 9 months | Cries when you leave the room, wary of strangers, wants to be held | Peekaboo, talk from the next room so the baby can hear you, let new people approach slowly |
| 9 to 15 months | Clings, protests at drop-off, wakes at night and calls out | Short goodbyes, the same ritual every time, the same person receiving them |
| 15 to 24 months | May protest loudly at förskola (municipal preschool, from age one) or with the nanny, usually settles within a few minutes of you leaving | Prepare in advance, give them something to hold, say when you will be back, and come back when you said |
| 2 to 3 years | Eases, but returns with illness, a new sibling, a move or a new group at preschool | Words and time markers: after snack time, after your nap. Books about coming back |
What helps, day by day
- Practise in small doses. Go into the next room and keep talking. Come back. Do it ten times a day. The baby learns that gone means coming back.
- Always say goodbye. Never sneak out. Slipping away while the child is playing feels kind, but it teaches them that you can vanish at any moment, and they become more watchful.
- A short goodbye, the same words, the same gesture. A kiss, a wave, I will be back after lunch. Then you go. A goodbye dragged out over ten minutes makes the protest longer, not shorter.
- Leave them with someone they know, ideally at home. Familiar surroundings are half the security.
- Come back when you said. The child cannot tell the time, but whoever is looking after them can say: Mummy will be here soon, and it turns out to be true.
- A comfort object. The blanket, a jumper that smells of you, a cuddly toy. It sounds silly and it works.
- Stay calm yourself. The child reads your face before anything else. If you hesitate at the door, so will they.
- Let the new person spend time with your child while you are there, a couple of times, before you leave.
The nights
Many babies who have slept well start waking and calling out at night around eight to ten months, and separation anxiety is often the reason. The baby wakes between two sleep cycles, finds you are not there and calls for you. Go in, settle them briefly, lay them down again. Keep your usual routine and do not start new habits you will not want in three months' time, unless you do want them. It passes, usually within a few weeks. A dim night light and a phrase you always say, the same every time, is often enough.
Nannies and preschool during separation anxiety
Let us be honest: it is harder to introduce new people now than at four months or at two years. It can be done, but it has to be done slowly and with the same person. At preschool it is built into inskolning (the settling-in period), see Settling in at förskola. With a nanny the same applies: the first and second time, you are at home doing ordinary things while the nanny sits on the floor. The third time you go out for half an hour. After that she is a familiar face, provided she is the one who comes every time. See also The first time with a babysitter and When your child doesn't want a babysitter.
When it is more than separation anxiety
- Your child never settles after the goodbye, but cries through the whole session or the whole preschool day, week after week
- Your child withdraws, stops playing and stops seeking contact even when you are at home
- Sleep and eating are affected for a long time, not just a few weeks
- Your child is over three or four and the anxiety at drop-off is intense and growing rather than fading
- You yourselves feel that something is not right
None of this is a diagnosis, but these are things to raise with BVC (the child health clinic every family is enrolled in). They see a lot of children and can tell the difference between a hard phase and something that needs more support.
How we do it with our families
This is the only argument we need for the same nanny every time. When Doaa started with a family in Spånga with a ten-month-old, the mother was at home for the first two sessions, going about her usual business in the kitchen while Doaa sat on the floor with the building blocks. The third time, the mother went out for an hour, with a short goodbye in the hallway. The baby cried for two minutes and then played. Now, six months later, he crawls towards the door when he hears her voice. With a new person every time you would get two minutes of crying every time, at best.
This text is general information and does not replace advice from BVC, your vårdcentral (local health centre) or 1177 (the national healthcare helpline). If you are worried about your child, call 1177. In an emergency, call 112.
Would you like a nanny who knows your child, knows what is normal for them and notices when something is different? Book a free first meeting with the nanny at your home.
Read more: The first time with a babysitter · When your child doesn't want a babysitter · Settling in at förskola · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
When does separation anxiety start in babies?
Usually somewhere between six and twelve months, and many parents notice it clearly around eight to ten months. The baby begins to understand that you still exist when you disappear from view, but not that you will come back. It tends to arrive at the same time as the fear of strangers.
How long does separation anxiety last?
It is often at its strongest around one to eighteen months and then fades gradually through the second and third year, but it comes and goes. Illness, a move, a new sibling or a new preschool can bring it back even in a three-year-old. That is normal and no sign that anything has gone wrong.
Should I sneak away while my child is playing?
No. It feels gentler in the moment, but your child learns that you can disappear at any time without warning, and becomes more watchful. Always say goodbye, briefly and the same way every time, and then go. In the long run the protest is shorter when the child knows the goodbye is always said.
Can we start with a nanny in the middle of separation anxiety?
Yes, but it takes a few sessions with you at home first. Let the nanny sit on the floor and play while you do ordinary things nearby, two or three times, before you go out for a short while. It goes faster than you think when the same person comes every time. A new person every time, on the other hand, rarely works at this age.
Why does my child only cry when I leave, not when Dad leaves?
Children protest most against whoever is usually closest, often the parent who is at home most or breastfeeding. It is not a verdict on the other parent, but a sign of whom the child counts on. It often evens out when the other parent takes more of the drop-offs and bedtimes.