A child who cries, clings or says no to the nanny is behaving normally, especially between eight months and three years. What helps is the same person every time, a first visit while you are at home, a short and clear goodbye, and patience for three to five visits. What does not help is sneaking out, dragging out the goodbye, or changing nanny after the first time.
It is quarter to six on a Wednesday in Vasastan. The nanny is standing in the hallway, the two-year-old is wrapped around his mother's legs and screaming, and the mother, who is supposed to be at a dinner in twenty minutes, is hesitating with her jacket half on. Every parent has stood there. The question is not whether it can be avoided altogether, because it rarely can. The question is what you do in those twenty minutes, and in the weeks before.
Why children protest, by age
| Age | What is usually behind it | What helps most |
|---|---|---|
| Under 8 months | Usually nothing, a baby will go to most people who are calm | A nanny who is used to babies and takes over the routine |
| 8 months to 3 years | Separation anxiety: the child understands that you are leaving but not that you are coming back | The same person, a short goodbye, a first visit with you at home |
| 3 to 5 years | Wanting to decide, fear of the unknown, sometimes fear of missing out on something fun | Preparation, a role for the child, something to look forward to |
| 6 to 12 years | Feels too old for it, finds it embarrassing, wants to come with you | Respect, a say in how the evening goes, a nanny who is more like an older friend than a guard |
Before the first time: what matters most
- The first visit with you at home. The nanny comes over, you stay in the flat and get on with other things. Your child gets to know her while you are around. We always do it this way, and it is what makes the biggest difference.
- Tell your child in advance, but not too early. For a two-year-old: the same day. For a four-year-old: the day before. For a seven-year-old: as soon as you know. Say who is coming, what they will do, and when you will be home, in your child's terms: after dinner, while you are asleep.
- Give the nanny something to start with. An activity your child loves, something you never quite get round to: baking, building a den, doing a big jigsaw. Write it on The note for the babysitter.
- Let your child do the showing. Ask your child to show the nanny their room, their toys, where the snacks are kept. A child who gets to play host takes a step towards the person.
At the door: short, warm, clear
This is where most parents go wrong, out of love. The goodbye drags on. Mum comes back one more time. Dad says he won't leave if the child is sad. The child learns that crying can stop the departure, and next time cries more. Do the opposite: say goodbye, say that you are coming back, hug and go. The nanny takes over straight away with something concrete: shall we go and see what's in the fridge? Never sneak out. Children who discover that you have gone without warning become more watchful, not less.
And then don't ring after five minutes. Instead, text the nanny after a quarter of an hour and ask how it is going. Almost always the answer is that your child is playing. That information is worth more than the last hug in the hallway.
When an older child flatly refuses
An eight-year-old who says she doesn't need a babysitter is partly right and partly wrong. She doesn't need looking after like a baby. She does need an adult in the flat. Say it like that. Give her a say in the evening: she chooses the film, she decides what they eat, she shows the nanny a game. What rarely works is pretending the nanny is a friend who just happened to drop by. Children see straight through it. In our experience, older children accept a nanny who treats them as the bigger kids they are, not one who tries to be cool. Also read When can children stay home alone? Age, maturity and preparation if you are wondering where the line goes.
When it is time to change nanny
Not after the first time. Almost never after the second. The first few visits are hard whoever comes, and changing then means starting all over again. Expect three to five visits with the same person. What should make you react is not crying at the door but what the visit itself looks like: if your child is upset the whole time, if the nanny can't tell you anything your child did, if your child seems frightened rather than grumpy. Then you talk to the nanny, and then to us. Sometimes it is the wrong person for that particular child, and that is no failure on anyone's part.
- Normal: crying at the door that is over within ten minutes, your child asks for you once during the evening, your child wants to tell you everything when you get home.
- Worth following up: your child is upset for more than a short while, doesn't want to tell you anything, sleeps badly that night several times in a row.
- Talk to us: your child seems frightened, the nanny can't describe the evening, or you have a gut feeling that won't go away.
How we do it with our families
Nike has a family in Hammarby sjöstad with a boy who was two and a half when she started at the beginning of the year. On the first visit she stayed for an hour while his mother worked from home in the bedroom. On the second visit he cried for eight minutes at the door. On the third, for two. The fourth time, he went and fetched his boots when he heard her on the stairs, because they had gone to Rålambshovsparken the time before. What helped was not a method. It was that it was Nike every Tuesday, that she had the same book in her bag every time, and that his mother left when she had said she would, even the time he screamed. On the note, Nike wrote how many minutes he had cried, so his mother could see the number going down.
Would you like a nanny who comes on the same days every week and whom your children know? Book a free first meeting with the nanny at your home, and we will work out a quote for your hours.
Read more: The first time with a babysitter · Separation anxiety in babies and toddlers · The note for the babysitter · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for my child to cry when we leave?
Yes, especially between eight months and three years, when separation anxiety is at its strongest. Crying at the door does not mean the nanny is wrong. What tells you something is how things are five minutes later. If your child calms down and starts playing, everything is as it should be. Ask the nanny, she sees it.
Should we sneak out so the child doesn't have to cry?
No. Children who discover that their parents have vanished without warning become more watchful next time, not less. Say goodbye, say that you are coming back, and go. Short and clear. It is harder in the moment but safer in the long run, and the crying gets shorter every time.
How long should we give it before changing nanny?
Expect three to five visits with the same person before you judge. The first few times are almost always hard whoever comes. If after five visits your child is still upset the whole time, not just at the door, it is time to talk to the nanny and to us.
What do we do if an older child flatly refuses?
Listen first. A seven-year-old who refuses usually has a reason: she doesn't want to miss out on something, she thinks the babysitter is babyish, she wants to decide for herself. Give her a say in something: what they will do, what they will eat. But the decision that you are going out is yours, not hers.
Does it help if the nanny comes while we are at home the first time?
Yes, it is the single most important thing. For the first visit you should be in the flat, in another room, so your child can get to know the nanny without you disappearing. We always do it this way. It takes an hour and saves many weeks.