Children start lying around the age of three to four, and it is a sign that their thinking is developing as it should. A three-year-old mixes fantasy and reality, a five-year-old lies to avoid a telling-off, a ten-year-old to protect their privacy. What matters is not the lie but how you respond: calmly, without interrogation, and so that the truth becomes the safest option.
It is half past five on a Thursday in a three-room flat in Hammarby sjöstad. A four-year-old is standing in the kitchen with chocolate around her mouth and a chocolate wrapper in her hand, saying, with a steady gaze, that she has not taken any chocolate. It is almost impossible not to laugh, and almost as hard not to get cross. Both reactions are understandable. Neither helps her do things differently next time. Here is what the lie means at different ages, and what to do with it.
Why do children lie?
To be able to lie, a child has to understand that you do not know everything the child knows. That insight normally arrives between three and four, and it is one of the bigger things that happens in a child's head. The same ability that lets a child lie lets them play pretend, understand that a friend is sad and keep a secret about a present. The lie, in other words, is a by-product of something you want your child to be able to do. What children lie about, and why, then changes year by year.
| Age | Type of lie | What lies behind it |
|---|---|---|
| 2 to 3 years | Fantasy and wishful thinking: "The cat ate it" | The child does not distinguish between what happened and what could have happened |
| 4 to 5 years | Denying the obvious: "It wasn't me" | Wants to avoid a telling-off, wants to be good, tests what they can get away with |
| 6 to 8 years | Exaggerations and white lies: "I was the best in the class" | Wants to impress, protect a friend, be kind |
| 9 to 12 years | Evasions about homework, screens, where they have been | Wants space of their own and to avoid nagging |
The three-year-old: it is not a lie, it is a story
When a three-year-old tells you it was the dog who drew on the wall, even though you do not have a dog, it is not an attempt to fool you. The child knows roughly that they did something they should not have, and finds an explanation that makes the world kinder. Imagination and memory sit close together at this age. Do not fight over the truth. Say instead: "You drew on the wall. Now we will wash it off together." Your child learns that you know, that you did not become dangerous, and that things can be put right.
Four to six: the lie to get out of trouble
This is where the chocolate lie comes in. The child knows they have done something you do not want, and chooses to deny it because that seems less painful than admitting it. The interesting thing is that children at this age lie badly. The eyes, the hands behind the back, the quick "no" before you have even finished asking. It is a golden opportunity, because you can show your child that the truth is harmless before the lies get better.
What works is skipping the question. Do not ask "have you taken chocolate?" when you can see the answer. The question is a trap, and your child will try to get out of it. Say what you see instead: "You have eaten chocolate. That was not okay before dinner. Now let's wash your hands." Your child does not have to admit anything, and so does not have to lie. You have still been clear about the rule.
The school-age child: white lies, exaggerations and a room of their own
From six or seven, children lie for social reasons. They say they like a present they do not like, they exaggerate how well football went, they keep quiet about a friend doing something silly. Most of this is what adults do too, and children learn it from us. It is not something you need to fight, but you can talk about it: when is it kind not to say everything, and when does it become a problem?
Around ten to twelve the lies are about privacy. The child says the homework is done, that they did not play for that long, that they were at a friend's when they were in town. This is harder for many parents, because it feels like a breach of trust. Mostly it is a negotiation about space. The more your child feels that every truth leads to nagging, control and bans, the more lying pays. You do not need to give up control, but you do need to make sure honesty pays.
How to make the truth the cheapest option
- Do not ask about what you already know. Describe what you see. That removes the reason to lie.
- Lower your voice when it starts to get serious. A frightened child chooses the quickest way to make the danger go away, and that is often a lie.
- Separate the act from the lie. What your child did gets a reasonable consequence. The fact that your child eventually told you gets a thank you, every time, even when you are tired.
- Give a way out. "Do you want to tell me what happened, or shall I tell you what I think?" Many children take the chance if it is not humiliating.
- Keep the consequence small and quick. A child who knows the truth costs half an hour without screens lies less than a child who knows it costs a week.
- Be honest yourselves in what your child sees. Children who hear you say you are ill when you are not, or that you have no money when you do, learn that lying is a tool.
What does not work
Interrogation. Asking the same question five times in an ever angrier voice makes the child cling to the lie, because changing track now would mean admitting they lied five times. Traps, where you pretend not to know in order to see whether your child lies, teach your child that you cannot be trusted. Calling your child a liar, or saying you can never believe them again, makes them stop bothering to try. And big punishments, especially for the lie rather than for what happened, make the next lie better thought through.
One more thing that does not work: laughing and telling the relatives. The chocolate lie is funny, and you are allowed to smile, but a child who has their failure retold at the dinner table learns not to show it next time.
When to take it more seriously
Most lies are everyday stuff. Some patterns are not. If your child lies many times a day, even about things where the truth would cost nothing, if the lies go together with anxiety, stomach aches, sleep problems or withdrawing, or if they hide something happening at school or online, then the lie is not the problem but what lies beneath it. Talk to BVC (the child health clinic every family is enrolled in) if your child is small, or the school's student health team if they are at school. Children from about seven can themselves ring BRIS (the Swedish children's helpline) on 116 111, and as parents you can ring the BRIS adult helpline for advice. Asking for help is not giving up on your child, it is taking them seriously.
How we do it with our families
Nike had a five-year-old in Kungsholmen who lied about everything for a few weeks: whether he had eaten his snack, whether he had washed his hands, whether he had broken the Lego. She stopped asking. Instead she started saying what she saw, in a completely ordinary voice: "The snack is still there, I will sit here in the meantime." She wrote on the note to his parents what she had done and that she noticed he lied less when nobody asked questions. After three weeks he told her of his own accord that he had lost his mittens. She thanked him, and then they looked for them together. Having the same nanny every time means she has the chance to see the pattern, and change it.
Would you like a nanny who comes on the same days every week and whom the children know? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home, and we will work out a quote for your hours.
Read more: Setting boundaries without shouting · Praise that makes children stronger, and praise that makes them insecure · Self-esteem in children · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
At what age do children start lying?
Usually between three and four, as the child comes to understand that you do not know the same things the child knows. It is a sign that their thinking is developing as it should. Before three, children mix fantasy and reality without any intention of fooling anyone.
Should you punish a child who lies?
No, punishing the lie itself makes the next lie more carefully thought through. Keep the two apart: what your child did gets a reasonable consequence, and the fact that your child eventually told the truth gets a thank you. Then the truth becomes the cheapest option next time.
My child lies about small things for no reason, is that normal?
Yes, especially between four and seven. The child is testing what happens, wants to seem more capable, or has already convinced themselves that is how it went. Respond calmly, show that you know, and do not give it more weight than it deserves.
When should I be worried?
If the lies are many every day, if your child lies even when the truth would have no consequence, if they go together with anxiety, sleep problems or withdrawing, or if the lies hide something happening at school. Then talk to BVC, the school's student health team or BRIS.
How do I get my child to tell the truth?
Do not ask questions you already know the answer to. Say what you see instead: "Here is the glass in pieces." Keep your voice calm and give your child a way out that is not humiliating. Children who know the truth will be received calmly choose it more often.