Boundaries without shouting rest on three things: a few rules you actually keep, saying what your child should do instead of what they must not, and walking over to your child instead of calling out from the kitchen. It takes longer each time and less time each week. You will still shout sometimes. Then you apologise, and carry on.
A quarter to six on a Wednesday in Bagarmossen. Mum is at the stove and has said three times from the kitchen that the five-year-old should stop jumping on the sofa. The fourth time she shouts, and the five-year-old stops, and starts crying, and dinner is miserable for everyone. It worked, in the sense that the jumping stopped. But next time it will take four times and a shout again, because that is the signal the child has learned to wait for.
Why shouting doesn't work
Shouting works in the moment, which is why we do it. The child gets scared or startled and stops. But what happens over time is that the child learns that it only gets serious when the voice is raised, and that everything before that is negotiation. The threshold moves. What took a loud voice in March takes a shout by October. And a child who is often shouted at either starts shouting too or switches off, and neither is what you want.
That doesn't make you bad parents when you shout. Everyone does it. It means shouting isn't the tool, it is what happens when the tools have run out. Here are the tools.
A few rules, kept every time
Most families have too many rules and keep too few of them. The child cannot know which ones really count, so they test all of them. Choose three to five rules that always apply, and let the rest go.
| A rule that holds | A rule that doesn't |
|---|---|
| No hitting, no biting. Always | Be nice |
| We sit at the table when we eat | You have to finish your plate |
| We hold hands by the road | No running |
| The screen goes off when the timer rings | Not too much screen time |
| Toys are put away before the bedtime story | Keep things tidy |
| Teeth are brushed every evening | Behave yourself |
Say what your child should do
Small children don't hear the word don't. If you say don't run, a three-year-old hears run. If you say walk, they hear walk. It sounds like a detail, but it is the single most useful change you can make to how you talk to children under six. Swap every prohibition for an instruction.
- Not: don't jump on the sofa. Instead: the sofa is for sitting, jump on the floor
- Not: don't shout. Instead: use your normal voice, then I can hear you
- Not: don't throw your food. Instead: the food stays on the plate, if you are finished, tell me
- Not: don't pull the cat. Instead: this is how we stroke the cat, gently
- Not: don't run off. Instead: stop at the lamp post and wait for me
Walk over, get down, say it once
Calling out an instruction from another room is the most common way of not being heard. Your child is deep in play, and your voice is one noise among many. What works is walking over, getting down on one knee so you are at eye level, saying your child's name and waiting until you have contact. Then one short sentence. Then wait. It takes thirty seconds instead of three, and it works instead of not working.
Say it once, not four times. Repetition teaches your child that the first three don't count. Say it once, wait, and if nothing happens: help your child do it. Calmly. Take their hand and walk to the hallway together. Lift them down from the table. You don't need to be angry to be firm.
When your child doesn't do as you say
It will happen every day. The difference between a consequence and a punishment is that the consequence is connected to what happened, comes immediately and is short. A punishment is something else, comes later and is meant to hurt.
| Consequence | Punishment |
|---|---|
| If you throw the toy, it goes on the shelf for the rest of the day | If you throw the toy, there is no pudding |
| If you jump on the sofa, you jump on the floor. You lift them down | If you jump on the sofa, you go to your room |
| If you wander off by the road, we hold hands all the way home | If you wander off, there is no playground tomorrow |
| If you spill on purpose, you wipe it up, with help | If you spill on purpose, you leave the table |
| If we don't have time to tidy up, we have time for one book instead of two | If you don't tidy up, there is no book |
The meltdown: wait it out, don't negotiate
When the rule has been kept and your child explodes, it is not the moment to explain, negotiate or give in. Your child cannot listen in that state. Sit close, say little, wait. I'm here. When you are calm, we'll talk. Giving in during a meltdown is what makes the next one longer. Shouting back makes it worse. Walking away completely can work for a six-year-old, but makes a two-year-old more frightened. There is more on meltdowns in our guide to Toddler tantrums.
You shouted anyway
It will happen. You are tired, it is the seventh time, your child hit their sibling. What matters is what you do next. Wait until you are calm, go to your child, and say: I shouted, that was wrong of me, I was angry and tired. Short. No long explanations, no blame on the child. Your child learns that adults make mistakes and take responsibility, and that may be the most important thing they learn about boundaries at all. Don't promise never to shout again. Just do it less often, and apologise when you do.
Different ages
- 1 to 2 years: words are not enough. Move the child, move the object, distract. Rules are about safety. Explanations are for you, not for the child
- 3 to 4 years: short rules, two options to choose between, a warning before every transition. Consequences that come immediately
- 5 to 7 years: your child can help set the rules, and keeps them better when they do. Talk about it afterwards, not during
- 8 to 12 years: fewer rules, more negotiation about anything that isn't about safety and respect. But what is decided is decided, and you stick to it yourselves too
How we do it with our families
Aleksandra tells new nannies on the team that the most important thing they do in their first weeks with a family is to find out which rules apply and keep them exactly. Not softer to be liked, not stricter to look competent. When Sanna starts with a family, she asks at the first meeting which three rules always apply, and they go on the note in the hallway. With a four-year-old in Södermalm it was: no hitting, we hold hands by the road, the screen stays off in the afternoon. She always walks over and gets down on one knee when she says something, and she says it once. After a month the parents noticed that their child listened to her the first time, and asked how she did it. It was this.
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Read more: Toddler tantrums · Praise that makes children stronger, and praise that makes them insecure · Children who hit and bite · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
We shouted anyway, what do we do now?
Apologise, briefly and honestly: I shouted, that was wrong, I was tired. Then move on. Your child learns more from you taking responsibility for your mistake than from you never making one. Don't promise never to do it again, because you will. Just do it less often.
Does time-out work?
For most children under four it works poorly, because they don't understand the connection and just get scared or angry. What works better is taking your child to a calmer spot and sitting with them until they have settled. For older children a break in their room can work, if it is short and is not presented as a punishment.
How many rules should we have?
Few. Three to five rules you really keep every time are better than fifteen that apply sometimes. Choose the ones about safety and about how we treat other people: no hitting, we sit at the table when we eat, we hold hands by the road. Everything else is negotiable, and that is fine.
My child doesn't listen at all, what do I do?
Walk over, get down on one knee, say your child's name and wait until you have eye contact. Then say one short sentence about what your child should do. Children who don't listen usually haven't heard, genuinely. They are in the game. Calling from another room almost never works under the age of six, and rarely above it.