Children between one and three hit and bite because they do not have words for what they feel, and because it works: they get a reaction and sometimes the toy. What you do is step in straight away, calmly and briefly: stop, we do not hit, and move the child. Comfort the child who was hit first. No long lecture, no punishment, and the same response every time. It passes when language catches up.
Half past four on a Friday in Hässelby. Two children, two and four, in the same room with one tractor. The two-year-old wants it, the four-year-old has it, and three seconds later the four-year-old has a bite mark on his arm and is screaming. Mum is screaming too. The two-year-old is screaming. Everyone is crying. This happens in thousands of homes across Stockholm every afternoon, and it can be handled in a way that makes it less common, not more.
Why children hit and bite
The short answer is that the child has nothing else. The feelings in a two-year-old are as big as in an adult, but the words, the impulse control and the ability to wait are not there yet. The mouth and the hands are what they have. And it works: a bite gets a big reaction, everyone looks, and often the child ends up with the toy in the commotion. The brain registers that.
| Age | Common cause | What the child needs |
|---|---|---|
| 1 to 2 years | No words, curiosity, overwhelmed by crowding and stimulation. Biting can be pure exploration | Stop and move, every time. Words for the feeling: you wanted it |
| 2 to 3 years | Frustration when the will is bigger than the ability. Tiredness, hunger, transitions. Fights over things | Predictability, warning in advance, help to say stop and my turn instead |
| 3 to 4 years | The feeling moves faster than the words. Often in groups, often when it is crowded. Testing what happens | A clear rule that always applies, an immediate consequence, practising alternatives when calm |
| 4 to 6 years | Becomes less common. When it continues it is often about stress, lack of sleep, a change at home or a child who finds it hard to read others | Talk afterwards, find the cause, ask for help if it does not turn around |
What to do in the moment
- Step in straight away. Not after shouting from the kitchen. Within a few seconds, otherwise the child does not understand what it is about.
- Stop. One word, calm and firm voice, at eye level. Stop, we do not hit. Not a lecture.
- Move the child a little way from the other one. Calmly, not with a jerk. Not to another room as punishment, just out of the situation.
- Comfort the one who was hit first, if you are the nearest adult. It shows who needs the attention.
- Put words to it: you wanted the tractor, and you got angry. You are allowed to be angry, but we do not hit.
- Show what to do instead: say stop, say my turn, come and get me.
- Move on. No long debrief, no demand for sorry if the child does not want to. Next time, the same thing again.
The whole sequence takes half a minute. It does not work the first time, nor the tenth. It works when it has come fifty times, exactly the same, from every adult around the child.
What makes it worse
- Biting or hitting back to show how it feels. The child learns that this is what big people do to small people
- Shouting. The child gets the big reaction they were after, and is frightened on top of it
- Laughing when the one-year-old lashes out. It is not funny, and the child notices that it was
- Long explanations. A two-year-old stops listening after five words
- Ignoring it. The child learns that it is okay, or that they have to go harder to get a reaction
- Punishments that come later, like no dessert in the evening. The child does not make the connection
- Different reactions from mum, dad, förskola (municipal preschool, from age one) and grandma. The child learns that it depends on who is watching
Comfort the one who was hit first
It sounds obvious, but the instinct is often to go for the child who hit. Turn it around. Go to the child who is upset, give comfort, and let the child who hit see it. That does two things: the child who hit sees that it is the other one who gets the attention, and gets to see what the blow did. After that you turn to the child who hit, calmly. This is especially important between siblings, where the older child often hits the younger and the younger often provoked it. Comfort the one who took the blow first anyway. Justice can wait.
Find the pattern
Children rarely hit at random. Write down for a week when it happens, and you will see the pattern. For most children it is one or more of these:
- Tired: late afternoon, before dinner, days without a nap
- Hungry: the hour before meals. A snack at four o'clock solves more than you would think
- Crowded: lots of children in a small space, queues, the hallway at förskola
- Transitions: when play has to stop, at pick-up, when something new is about to start
- A particular friend or sibling who provokes or takes things
- Too much stimulation: parties, shops, soft play centres. The child hits on the way home
- Change at home: a new sibling, a move, a divorce, settling in at förskola. Then it increases in almost every child for a few weeks
Once you see the pattern you can get ahead of it: a snack before you pick up the sibling, a warning before play ends, going outside instead of staying in when there are lots of children. That prevents more than all the handling afterwards.
Give your child words and alternatives
A child stops hitting when they have something else that works. Practise when things are calm, not in the middle of a conflict: play with dolls who want the same thing, and show what the doll says. Stop. My turn. I want it. Help. Children under three learn gestures before words: a hand up for stop works before the word does. And when your child actually says stop instead of hitting, say it out loud: you said stop instead of hitting. That was exactly right.
When förskola calls
It is an uncomfortable call, and most parents feel ashamed. Let that go. The förskola is calling because they want to work with you, not to judge. Ask when it happens, what happens just before, and how they respond. Tell them what you do at home, and agree to do the same. Ask whether anything has changed in the group. And ask them to get back to you in a week, so you know whether it is turning around. There is more on conflicts between children in our guide to Sibling fights, and on the outbursts around two and three in our guide to Toddler tantrums.
When to seek help
The vast majority of children stop hitting and biting during their third or fourth year, as language comes in. Raise it with BVC (the child health clinic every family is enrolled in) if your child is still hitting daily after the age of four or five, if they seriously hurt others, if they hit without anything seeming to trigger it, if they cannot be reached at all during outbursts, if they also hit themselves, or if you feel afraid of your child. Help is available, and the earlier the easier.
How we do it with our families
For several years Aleksandra looked after twins in Järfälla who bit, first one, then both, between the ages of one and a half and two and a half. She and the parents settled on a single response that all four adults used, grandma included: stop, we do not bite, move, comfort the other one. She also reorganised the afternoon: a snack straight away at pick-up, outside until five, and the tractor, which was always the cause, was put away until both could say my turn. The note recorded every day whether anyone had bitten, when and why. After six weeks it was once a week. By three it was over.
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Read more: Toddler tantrums · Setting boundaries without shouting · Sibling fights · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
Why does my child bite?
Children between one and three bite because they do not have words, because they are overwhelmed by feelings or crowding, and because it gets a strong reaction. It is not malice. The mouth is one of a toddler's first tools. It passes when language catches up, if you respond calmly and in the same way every time.
Should you bite back so the child feels what it is like?
No. That teaches the child that whoever is bigger gets to bite, and that you do it. The child does not understand the connection, gets frightened and often bites more. The same goes for hitting back or shouting. What works is a short, calm stop and moving the child, every time.
Förskola says my child hits, what do I do?
Thank them for telling you, ask when it happens and what happens just before. The pattern is usually there: crowding, tiredness, a particular friend, transitions. Agree that you will do the same thing at home and at förskola: stop, move, comfort the other one first. And ask them to get back to you in a week.
When should we seek help?
If your child is still hitting daily after the age of four or five, if they seriously hurt other children, if they hit because they seem to enjoy the reaction, if they cannot be reached at all during outbursts, or if you as parents are afraid of your child. Start with BVC, they know where to refer you.