Step in when someone could get hurt, when one child is clearly outmatched or when the fight has gone on so long that neither of them can get out of it on their own. Stay out when it is even, when both are still talking and when you notice that your involvement is what makes the fight grow. Sibling fights are practice in negotiating, and most of them children resolve better without a judge.
Sunday at five o'clock in a house in Täby. A six-year-old and a three-year-old have had a perfectly nice afternoon and are now fighting over a blue Lego brick of which there are forty identical ones. The three-year-old is screaming, the six-year-old is holding the brick above his head, and the parent in the kitchen feels the pull to go in and sort it out. Wait ten seconds. That is usually the right answer, but not always. Here is how to tell which, and what to do when you step in.
Why siblings fight so much
Siblings compete for what is genuinely scarce in a home: your attention, the best seat, the only red cup. They also spend more hours together than with anyone else, when tired, without the restraint that applies with friends. Fighting is not a sign that the relationship is bad. Children who fight a lot at five and eight can be each other's closest at fifteen. What matters in the long run is not how many fights they have but whether they learn to get out of them.
Tiredness and hunger are behind a large share of it. The fights at five in the afternoon are rarely about the Lego brick. A snack at half past three and some time outdoors resolve more sibling conflicts than any conversation about taking turns.
Step in or wait?
| Step in | Wait |
|---|---|
| Someone is hitting, biting, throwing things or at risk of getting hurt | Both are shouting but nobody is doing anything physical |
| One child is clearly frightened or genuinely crying | The crying is anger, not fear |
| A big age gap and the younger child cannot defend themselves | Evenly matched children, whatever their age |
| The fight has gone on for several minutes and is escalating | It goes up and down and they carry on playing in between |
| A child asks for help, not for a judge | The child shouts "tell him!" |
| The same child loses every time | It varies who gets their way |
How to step in without becoming the judge
- Stop the physical part first. Put yourself between the children, take the object, say "stop" in a calm voice. No explanations yet.
- Describe what you see. "You both want the blue brick." No blame, just the situation. That calms children more than you would think, because someone has understood.
- Let both say what they want. One at a time. The younger child may need help putting it into words. Do not interrupt, and do not correct.
- Ask how they want to solve it. From four or five, children can come up with suggestions if they get the chance. "We take turns" or "we build together" comes more often from them than from you.
- Decide only if they cannot. And then make it dull for both of them: the Lego brick is put away for a while. Nobody won, nobody lost.
Why it gets worse when you judge
You heard a scream and saw the ending. That is not enough to know what happened, but you judge anyway, and usually in favour of whoever is smallest or crying most. The older child learns that they always lose, and takes it out later when you are not looking. The younger learns that crying is a weapon. And both learn that conflicts are resolved by an adult, not by themselves. That is why the parent who judges fairly and quickly often has children who fight more, not less. Refraining from judging feels wrong in the moment. It is almost always right in the long run.
Different age gaps, different fights
With a gap of one or two years, children fight over things, often the same thing, and on equal terms. Those are the fights you can wait out. With a gap of three to five years, the fights are about the younger child wrecking things and the older one not being left in peace. There the older child needs a space of their own: a shelf the younger cannot reach, some time each day without the little sibling, and your backing when they say they do not want to play right now. Always forcing the older child to "be nice to your little brother" creates more fights than it prevents. With big gaps, six years or more, the older child often becomes an extra parent. That can be lovely, but make sure it is voluntary and not a role the child was given without choosing it.
What prevents the fights
- One-on-one time with each child. It does not have to be much. A walk to the shop with just one of them, a quarter of an hour in the evening with the other.
- Own things and shared things. Be clear about what belongs to whom. "Everything belongs to everyone" sounds lovely and leads to constant battle.
- Never describe the children as opposites. "The calm one" and "the wild one" become roles they play against each other.
- Food and sleep. Hungry, tired children fight. That is not a parenting question but a logistics question.
- Praise when it goes well. Nothing big, just "you sorted that out yourselves" in passing. Children repeat what gets noticed.
When the fights are more than fights
Sibling fights are normal. It is not normal if the same child is always frightened, if one child systematically hurts or humiliates the other when you are not looking, if one child starts avoiding home or does not want to be alone with their sibling, or if the fights are about things that go beyond everyday life. Then you need to step in regardless of age and negotiating skills, and get help if it does not turn around: BVC (the child health clinic every family is enrolled in) for the younger ones, the school's student health team (elevhälsan) for school-age children. Both children and parents can call BRIS (the Swedish children's rights helpline) to talk about it. Read our guide on Children who hit and bite too, where much of the groundwork is covered.
How we do it with our families
Esther has two siblings in Vasastan, aged five and eight, three afternoons a week. In the first weeks, half the time went on judging fights. She changed two things. The snack moved to half past three, straight after pick-up, and she stopped responding to "tell him". Instead she said what she saw and asked what they wanted to do about it. The five-year-old had a suggestion by the second day. She writes on the note to the parents which fights resolved themselves without her, because those are the progress. Being the same person every time means the children know she is not going to judge, and they stop trying to make her.
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Read more: Preparing your child for a sibling · Children who hit and bite · Setting boundaries without shouting · Frequently asked questions
Frequently asked questions
How much do siblings normally fight?
A lot. Siblings of preschool and early school age can end up in conflict several times an hour when they are together. Most of it is short and resolves itself. The fighting says nothing about what the relationship will be like as adults, but how you handle it does.
Should I find out who started it?
No, almost never. You were not there, both have their version, and whoever talks best wins. Instead, describe what you see and ask both to say what they want. Refraining from judging is what makes them learn, over time, to solve it themselves.
My oldest child is rough with the younger one, what do I do?
Step in straight away when someone is at risk of getting hurt, and be clear without telling them off. Then make sure the older child gets one-on-one time with you and things of their own that the younger one may not touch. Much of the roughness comes from the older child feeling that they always lose by being the biggest.
Should siblings share a room?
It often works well up to seven or eight, and many children like it. What is needed is that each child has something of their own: a shelf, a box, a spot that is theirs alone. From around age ten, most want a space of their own, at least their own part of the room.