Tell your child when the bump is showing and other people start asking, usually around the fourth or fifth month, and keep it concrete: a baby who sleeps, cries and cannot play. Before the birth it is about routines that need to hold; during the week around the birth it is about who looks after the older child; afterwards it is about letting the older child be little too, not just big and well behaved.
A two-and-a-half-year-old in Sundbyberg is told one February evening that there is a baby in Mummy's tummy. He looks at the tummy, looks at Mummy, and asks if he can watch Bolibompa (the children's programme on Swedish television). It is a perfectly reasonable answer. He will ask again in March, get bored in April, decide the baby is called Tractor in May, and only in June, when she is lying in the cot at home, understand what you were talking about. You cannot fully prepare a child for a sibling. But you can make it less dramatic, and most of that work is done beforehand.
Before: when and how you tell them
| Child's age | When you tell them | What the child understands |
|---|---|---|
| Under 2 | Late, when the bump is big | Almost nothing. Point at the bump, say baby, read a book about babies |
| 2 to 3 | Around the fourth or fifth month | That a baby is coming, but not when. Use seasons and birthdays to measure time |
| 4 to 6 | When you tell other people | Most of it. The child wants to know how, where and whether they get to hold the baby |
Tell the truth about babies: they sleep, eat and cry, and they cannot play for months. Children who have been promised a playmate are disappointed and angry when the playmate turns out to be a small thing that takes up all the time. Say instead that the baby will look at the older sibling more than at anyone else, and that is true: babies love looking at children.
Before: what not to change in the last month
Many families use the time before the baby arrives to make big changes: moving the child out of the cot, giving up the dummy, starting förskola (municipal preschool, from age one), giving up nappies. The intention is good. The result is often that the child links every loss to the baby. Make those changes at least two months before the birth, so they are done and ordinary before the baby comes, or wait until the baby is a few months old and the older sibling has settled. The last month should be as boring and as familiar as possible: same bedtime routine, same preschool, same weekends.
What is worth changing in good time, though, is who does what. If the pregnant parent is always the one who does bedtime, let the other parent take over bedtime a few weeks before. Then it is not the baby that takes Mummy away in the evening. The same goes for the morning routine and preschool pick-up.
During: the plan for the day of the birth
- Decide who takes the older child. Someone the child knows well, who can come at short notice, day or night. Have a backup. Grandma on Gotland is not a plan.
- Practise. Let that person put the child to bed at least once before it counts. The first night without you should not be the night of the birth.
- Pack a bag for the older child. Clothes for two days, cuddly toy, dummy, the favourite book, a note with the routines.
- Tell the child the plan. “When the baby is ready to come out, Mummy and Daddy go to the hospital, and Granny comes and sleeps here. Then we come home with the baby.” Repeat it.
- Phone the child, if they are awake. A short voice is worth more than a long explanation.
Ideally the first meeting happens at home or on the maternity ward with the baby lying in the cot, not in your arms. A child who walks in and sees Mummy with a new baby in her arms meets a rival. A child who walks in and gets a hug from Mummy, and then goes together with her to look at the baby in the cot, meets something that is theirs. Many parents let the baby “bring” a small present for the older sibling. It is a bit silly, and it works.
After: jealousy, regression and being allowed to be little
In the first weeks the older sibling is often unexpectedly kind. It is in weeks three to six, when the visitors have stopped coming and the baby still takes all the time, that things turn. The child starts wetting themselves again, wants a dummy, wants to be carried, wakes at night, tells you to take the baby back. All of that is normal. The child is saying, in their own way, that they need to be little too, and the easiest thing is to let them: carry them for a while, give them the dummy, say it is fine to want to be a baby sometimes. Children who are allowed to be little become big again on their own. Children who are forced to be big and well behaved all the time find other ways to get attention, and they are rarely pleasant ones.
- Ten minutes a day that belong only to the older child. Baby with someone else, phone away, the child decides.
- Give the child real jobs. Fetching the nappy, holding a hand at bath time, choosing the baby's top. Not pretend jobs.
- Talk about the baby as someone who likes the older sibling. “Look, she's looking at you.” It also happens to be true.
- Never say “you're a big boy now”. The child hears it as “you're not allowed any more”.
- Let anger towards the baby be expressed in words. “I understand you get cross when she cries.” But never in actions, and you need to be in the room for the first few months.
How you find the time
You cannot give two children what one child had. What you can do is make sure the older child has access to adults who have time. The other parent, if there are two of you. Grandparents, if they live nearby. And for many families in Stockholm, a A nanny for your baby and becomes the older child's person: she picks up from preschool, goes to the playground, reads the book, while you lie with the baby. That is not handing your child off. It is making sure your child has an adult who is not busy.
How we do it with our families
Denise started with a family on Lidingö six weeks before the due date, two afternoons a week with their three-year-old. The idea was that he would know her before everything changed, so that she could take him for whole days when the baby came. She learned his routines, his words for things, which book always had to be read last. On the night of the birth it was her who came at three in the morning and slept on the sofa. In the weeks after, she was the one who went to the park with him while Mum breastfed. On the note she left each time, she wrote down something big he had done, so his parents could tell him about it in the evening. The same nanny before, during and after is what makes it work.
Would you like a nanny who comes on the same days every week, someone the children know? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home, and we will work out the hours with you.
Read more: Sibling fights · Newborn · A nanny for your baby · Prices
Frequently asked questions
When should we tell our child that a sibling is on the way?
When the bump is showing and other people start asking, often around the fourth or fifth month. Children under three have no grasp of time, so months of waiting make no sense to them. Tie it to something concrete: “when it's summer” or “after your birthday”.
Should the older sibling visit the maternity ward?
It depends on the child's age and how they are with hospitals. A short visit, when you are feeling up to it and the baby is calm, often works well from the age of two or three. Have someone the child knows come along and take them home again after half an hour. It is not a competition in how long the visit lasts.
My child has started wetting themselves again since the baby came, is that normal?
Yes. Many children go backwards in something, often nappies, the dummy or sleep, in the weeks after a sibling arrives. It passes. Do not make a fuss about it, give more closeness, and let the child be little for a while. That is usually the most effective way to make them want to be big again.
How do we find time for the older child in the first weeks?
By letting other people take the baby for a while every day, and giving the older child a stretch of time that is theirs alone. Ten minutes is enough if they are undivided. It can also be the moment for a nanny who comes at the same time a few days a week and is the older child's person.
Should we move our child out of the cot before the baby comes?
Yes, but do it at least two months before the birth, or wait until several months after. The child should not feel that the baby took their bed. The same applies to giving up the dummy and starting preschool: make big changes in good time, or not at all right now.