The tantrum years, trotsåldern in Swedish, usually start around age two and are not about the child wanting to fight you, but about the will arriving before the words and the self-control. Here is what is happening in the child, what actually helps in the moment, and what makes it worse. Written by people who handle outbursts in other people's children every week.
In Swedish it is called trotsåldern, the age of defiance, but the word is misleading. The child is not defying you. It has acquired a will of its own, discovered that the world does not always bend to it, and lacks both the words and the brakes to handle the discovery. The result is a supermarket floor, a sock that feels wrong and a two-year-old crying so hard she loses her breath. It is completely normal, it is temporary, and there are things that help.
What is happening in the child
Between eighteen months and three years, three things happen at once. The child understands that it is a separate person with wishes of its own. It gains a vocabulary that grows fast but does not yet stretch to feelings. And the part of the brain that brakes impulses is far from finished, it keeps maturing well into the teenage years. The will, in other words, is fully developed while the language and the brakes are not. The outburst is not a choice, it is a short circuit.
In the moment: what helps
- Get down to their level and stay close. Sit on the floor. You do not need to say anything. The child needs to know you are still there when the storm has passed.
- Name the feeling, not the behaviour. You got so angry when the top was wrong. Not: stop screaming now.
- Fewer words. A child in the middle of an outburst does not hear explanations. Save them for afterwards, when it hears everything.
- Stick to what you said. If no to ice cream became yes after ten minutes of screaming, the child has learned something, but not what you wanted.
- Protect, do not punish. If the child hits or kicks, move yourself or the child. Calmly. Without comment.
- Wait it out. Outbursts have a curve. They go up, they come down. You do not need to make it stop, just be there when it does.
- Afterwards: a hug, a few words, move on. That was hard. Let us go. No long conversation, no guilt.
What makes it worse
- Negotiating in the middle of it. If you stop screaming you can have it. That teaches the child that screaming is a way to open a negotiation.
- Raising your voice. The child gets more frightened, not calmer. And it learns that a loud voice is what you reach for when you are angry.
- Asking why. A two-year-old does not know why. The question makes it worse because it cannot be answered.
- Feeling ashamed in front of others. The supermarket is watching. It does not matter. Everyone there has either had a two-year-old or been one.
- Tiredness and hunger. Most outbursts come between four and six in the afternoon. That is no coincidence, it is blood sugar and a long day at förskola (municipal preschool).
Prevention: what reduces the number of outbursts
| Do | Why |
|---|---|
| Offer a choice between two things | The red top or the blue one. The child gets to decide, you decide what it gets to decide about. |
| Give warning before transitions | Two more minutes, then we go. Changes are what trigger the most outbursts. |
| Keep the routines | The same order at bedtime and the same mealtimes remove half the conflicts. |
| Say what the child should do, not what it should not | Walk on the pavement, instead of do not run in the road. |
| Carry a snack | A crispbread in your pocket at förskola pick-up solves more than any method. |
| Let it take time | Two-year-olds want to put their shoes on themselves. Allow five extra minutes in the hallway and there is no outburst. |
Siblings and tantrums
An older sibling who gets a baby sister at age two often has more tantrums, not because it is jealous in a way it can explain, but because everything changed at once. Give ten minutes a day that belong only to the older child, without the baby. It sounds like little. It makes a difference.
When it is not the tantrum years
Outbursts that happen many times every day after age four, that regularly last more than half an hour, or where the child hurts itself or others, are worth talking to BVC (the child health clinic every family is enrolled in) about. That does not mean something is wrong. It means you get help seeing what triggers them and what can be changed. The BVC nurses have heard it all and they judge no one.
How our nannies do it
A nanny who comes on the same days every week learns when the outbursts come and what triggers them in this particular child. She knows it is the top, that it is pick-up, that it helps to have a banana in her pocket. And she takes it more calmly than you, not because she is better, but because it is not her child and she has had lunch. That is often the biggest relief: not the hours, but not having to be the one who always takes the five o'clock outburst.
Would you like someone to take the afternoons who knows your child's outbursts as well as you do? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home.
Read more: The first time with a babysitter · Settling in at förskola · Frequently asked questions
Frequently asked questions about toddler tantrums
When do the tantrum years start?
Usually around age two, sometimes as early as eighteen months, and they tend to ebb away between three and four. Many parents notice a second wave around five or six, when the child starts asserting itself against rules instead of against its own body.
How long does an outburst last?
A few minutes up to half an hour. The less you do in the meantime, the shorter it usually is. Negotiating, explaining or raising your voice makes it longer.
Are tantrums a sign that we are doing something wrong?
No. Tantrums are a sign that the child is developing as it should: it has acquired a will before it has acquired the words and the self-control. Children with no tantrums at all are rarer than children with many.
When should you seek help?
If the outbursts happen many times every day after age four, if the child regularly hurts itself or others, or if you as parents are running out of strength. Start at BVC, they have seen it all and judge no one.