Praise that strengthens a child is about what the child did: you kept working on that puzzle piece until it fitted. Praise that makes a child insecure is about what the child is: you are so clever, you are such a good girl. The first the child can do again. The second the child can only lose. Swap "good" and "clever" for a description of what you saw.
Half past four on a Monday in Älvsjö. A five-year-old comes over with a drawing. Lovely, says dad, without looking up from his phone. The five-year-old stays put. Is it really lovely? Yes, really lovely. The five-year-old goes back and draws another one, and comes back, and asks again. What dad gave was a grade. What the child wanted was to be seen. That difference is what this article is about.
Two kinds of praise
Research into how children think about their own ability has pointed in the same direction for many years: children who are praised for traits, such as being clever or good, become more afraid of failing, choose easier tasks and give up sooner when something is hard. Children who are praised for effort and approach dare more, keep going longer and find hard things fun. It is not magic. It is logical: a child who is clever risks no longer being clever the next time they fail. A child who kept trying can keep trying again.
| Praise for a trait: makes insecure | Praise for effort and approach: makes stronger |
|---|---|
| Aren't you clever | You worked on that for a long time |
| You are so smart | You tried a new way when the first one did not work |
| What a lovely drawing | You used three colours in the sky, tell me about it |
| You are the best at football | You ran back and helped out in defence |
| Aren't you kind | You saw that Alma was sad and went over to her |
| Good job | You put all the cars away without me asking |
Why "good girl" makes children insecure
"Good" is a grade, and grades can go down. A child who has been told they are good at drawing will sooner or later draw something that does not turn out well, and then the conclusion is obvious: then I am not good any more. The child starts choosing the safe option, only shows the things that went well, and asks for the grade all the time to make sure it still holds.
"Good" also says nothing. The child does not know what was good, and so cannot do it again. And "good" often comes from an adult who has not looked. Children notice. A parent who says "lovely" without lifting their eyes teaches the child that praise is something you say, not something you mean.
What descriptive praise sounds like day to day
What works is saying what you see, as if you were describing it to someone who was not there. That requires you to look, which is the point.
- With the drawing: I can see a house, and a sun, and something blue up there. Tell me about the blue. The child tells you, and that is the praise
- Getting dressed: you put your socks on all by yourself, even the one that was inside out
- In a conflict: you got angry but you did not hit, you used your words instead
- With homework: you stayed at it even though it was hard, and you asked when you got stuck
- At the table: you tried the broccoli even though you did not think you would like it
- In silence: sometimes nothing. A child who has managed something and looks pleased does not need your comment. A smile is enough
Praise as a reward: the trap
Praise can become a tool for steering, and then it stops working as praise. If you finish your dinner you will be told you are a good boy. If you are kind to your sister, mum will say you are good. The child learns to do things to get the praise, and stops when the praise does not come. It is the same mechanism as stickers and sweets: it works for a while, and then the dose has to go up.
What lasts is the child doing things because they are meaningful, and you noticing when it happens. You helped your sister up, and she was happy. That is not a grade, it is an observation about what the child's action did for someone else. It is worth more than "good".
Children who fish for praise
Some children, especially between four and eight, ask all the time: is it good? Am I good? Did you like it? These are often children who have had a lot of grading praise, and who now do not know what they think themselves. What helps is turning the question round: what do you think? What are you most pleased with? And describing instead of grading. It takes weeks, and the child protests at first. But a child who can say: I am pleased with the tower, it is the tallest one I have built, has something the child who was told "good" never gets.
Not praising at all
There is a backlash where parents stop praising altogether, for fear of getting it wrong. That is not good either. Children need to be seen, and a child who has done something hard and looks up needs a response. The response should be honest, concrete and about what the child did. It should not be silent, and it should not be empty. And it should come more often for what was hard than for what was easy.
At different ages
- 1 to 2 years: delight, clapping and words work fine, the child reads your tone. But start saying what it was even now: you put the block on top
- 3 to 5 years: describe, ask, let the child tell you. This is the age when "good" starts to do harm, and when the child starts comparing themselves with others
- 6 to 9 years: school starts handing out grades in the form of right and wrong. At home it is the effort you notice: you read the whole page even though the words were hard. More on this in our guide to Homework help at home
- 10 to 12 years: the child sees through empty praise instantly. Honesty is everything. Be specific, be sparing, and ask for the child's own assessment first
Praise is tied up with self-esteem, and our guide to Self-esteem in children covers the bigger picture.
How it works with our families
Denise has a six-year-old in Solna who, when she started, asked about everything: is it nice, am I good, did I do it right? She decided never to answer with a grade. When he shows a drawing she says what she sees and asks one thing about it. When he gets dressed she says which piece of clothing he managed himself. The first weeks he got frustrated and asked again: but is it NICE? Denise said: what do you think? Now, six months later, he comes and says: look, I got the roof right this time. The note to the parents says what he was pleased with, because that is what they want to know.
Would you like a nanny who comes on the same days every week and whom the children know? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home, and we will work out a price for your hours.
Read more: Self-esteem in children · Setting boundaries without shouting · Homework help at home · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
Is it wrong to say "good girl" or "good boy"?
It is not harmful, but it is empty. "Good" says nothing about what the child did and teaches the child to chase the word instead of taking an interest in the task. Swap it for a description: you held the pen steady, you waited for your turn, you tried again. It takes a second longer and the child hears it.
Can you praise too much?
Yes, if the praise is empty or comes for everything. A child who hears "good job" twenty times a day stops hearing it, and starts demanding it. Praise what actually took something from the child, and stay quiet when the child is pleased on their own. A child who has managed something often knows it, and does not need your confirmation.
Should you praise the result or the attempt?
The attempt, the approach, and what the child can influence. "The drawing turned out lovely" is a result the child cannot repeat. "You mixed the colours for ages until you got that green" is something the child can do again. Results can be mentioned, but let the effort be what you notice.
My child keeps asking whether they are good, what do I do?
Ask back: what do you think? And describe instead of grading: I can see you built a tall tower. Children who fish for praise have often learned that their worth sits in other people's eyes. It takes time to turn around, but it does turn around when you stop delivering grades and start describing.