Shyness is a temperament, not a problem to be trained away. Roughly one child in five is cautious in new situations from infancy. What helps is preparing your child for what is going to happen, stepping in beside them instead of pushing them forward, and no longer describing your child as shy in front of other people. Pressure makes a child more cautious, not less.
A children's party in Bromma on a Saturday at two. Twelve four-year-olds are running around, and one of them is standing by the hallway cupboard with her coat on, holding on to her mum's trouser leg. The mum can feel the glances. "She's a bit shy," she says, and the girl creeps closer. Twenty minutes later the same girl is sitting on the floor building with the others, and nobody gives it another thought. That is how it usually goes when nobody pushes. Here is what shyness is, what makes it worse and what actually helps.
Shy, cautious or just new?
Research into infant temperament has long shown that a significant share of children, often estimated at around one in five, react strongly to new impressions: new people, new rooms, loud noises. They hold back and watch before they do anything. It is not learned and it is not the parents' fault. It is a way of meeting the world that has clear advantages: these children are often attentive, careful with risks and good at reading others. The downside is that everything new takes longer, and that adults often read the waiting as a problem.
There is a difference between being cautious and being afraid. The cautious child watches first and then joins the play, at their own pace. The afraid child never joins in, and feels bad about it. Most shy children belong to the first group. What you should keep an eye on is whether your child suffers from it, not whether you do.
Why pressure makes it worse
When a cautious child hesitates, the body kicks in: the heart beats faster, the child wants to get away. If at that moment you say "go on and play, there's nothing to be scared of", the child gets two things at once: a discomfort they cannot control, and an adult who does not understand. Next time the threshold is higher, because now hesitating is embarrassing too. If instead you sit down next to them and wait, the child learns that the discomfort passes by itself, and that it can be waited out. That is the lesson that eventually makes a child braver.
| Situation | What pushes | What supports |
|---|---|---|
| Greeting an adult | "Say hello, then!" | You say hello, the child stands beside you, can wave if they want |
| Parties | Dropping off at the door, "the others are playing" | Arrive early, stay ten minutes, give the child a job |
| A new förskola group | Switching straight away with no preparation | Visit beforehand, photos of the teachers, the same routine every morning |
| New friends | Booking four children at once | One child at a time, at your home, a short visit the first time |
| Performing at förskola | "Everyone else is singing" | It is fine to stand with the group without singing |
| Talking in front of others | "Tell grandma what you did today!" | You tell her, the child fills in if they want |
How to prepare your child
- Say in advance what is going to happen. Who will be there, for how long, what you do. Shy children feel better when they know. A party is less frightening if the child knows it is cake first and games afterwards.
- Arrive early. It is easier to be first in an empty room that fills up than to step into a room that is already full.
- Stay for a while, and say how long. "I'll stay until you've sung." Then you leave. Sneaking out makes the child more watchful next time.
- Give the child a role. Handing out napkins, holding the dog, carrying a tray. A job is easier than "just joining in".
- Practise the hard things at home. Play that you are in the shop and the child has to say thank you. Play that the doll is shy and the child has to help it. Play lowers the threshold.
- Celebrate what went well, afterwards and in private. "You went up to Elsa by yourself today." Not in front of others, that becomes pressure again.
The words you use about your child
This is the point where most parents go wrong, with the best of intentions. "She's a bit shy", said to an adult over the child's head, does two things. It gives the child a label they start living up to, and it removes the need to do anything else, because shy is simply what she is. Say something that describes the situation instead, not the child: "She likes to have a look first." Or say nothing; most adults can manage to wait half a minute for a hello. The same at home: talk about your child as cautious, thoughtful, someone who likes to look first. It is true, and it is a quality to be proud of.
Shyness at förskola and school
At förskola (municipal preschool) the shy child is the one who rarely causes problems, and so the one most easily forgotten. Ask the teachers for concrete information: who does your child play with, does your child talk to any adult, what does your child do at circle time. A child who plays and talks, even if with only a few, is doing fine. A child who stands by the wall every day needs an adult to help them into the play, and that is something you can ask for. At the start of school it is wise to talk to the teacher before the first day, so that your child is not the one who has to "break the ice" in the first week. Do read our guide to Settling in at förskola, much of which is about cautious children.
When it is more than shyness
Shyness is normal. There are a few signs that point to something else, and that you should raise with BVC (the child health clinic every family is enrolled in) or the school health service: if your child talks at home but not at all at förskola for several months, despite being otherwise happy there, it may be selective mutism, an anxiety diagnosis that can be treated and where early help matters. If your child gets stomach aches, does not want to go to förskola at all, cannot sleep before ordinary activities, or if the shyness at ten to twelve has turned into avoiding everything social, that is also a reason to talk to someone. You know your child. If your child is suffering from it, seek help. If it is you who is suffering, then it is you who needs to change something, and that is usually the pace.
How it works with our families
Doaa has a four-year-old in Solna whom she picks up from förskola three afternoons a week. For the first month he said nothing to her the whole way home. She talked instead: about what she saw, about what they were going to do, about the dog across the street. She asked no questions. One Tuesday in week five he pointed at a digger and said a word. Now he talks the whole way. What made the difference was not a trick, but that it was the same person every time and that she had time to wait. On the note to the parents she writes what he talked about, so they can pick it up at dinner without asking "what did you do today?".
Would you like a nanny who comes on the same days every week and whom the children know? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home, and we will work out a price for your hours.
Read more: Self-esteem in children · When your child doesn't want a babysitter · Settling in at förskola · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
Is shyness something children grow out of?
The temperament often stays, but how it shows changes. A cautious child who is allowed to prepare and go at their own pace learns to handle new situations and often becomes a calm, attentive adult. The shyness does not disappear, but it stops getting in the way.
Should I make my child say hello?
No. Say hello yourselves, let your child stand beside you and give them another way to greet: a wave, a nod, holding out a toy. Forcing it makes the child associate greetings with discomfort. Children who are spared the pressure almost always start saying hello of their own accord within a few months.
My child talks at home but not at förskola, what do I do?
Many cautious children need a long time in new places. If the silence lasts for several months, even though your child is otherwise happy there, it may be selective mutism, which can be treated. Talk to förskola and BVC. Do not push your child to talk, that prolongs the silence.
How do I help my shy child at parties?
Arrive early before the crowd, stay for the first few minutes, and give your child a job: handing out cups, holding the present. Talk beforehand about what will happen and who is coming. And accept that your child may watch more than they take part; that counts too.