Use the word died, not “fell asleep” or “passed away”. Children under five do not understand that death is forever and will ask the same thing many times; answer briefly and the same way every time. School-age children want to know how and why. You do not need to have all the answers, but your child needs to know that they are allowed to ask, and that you can handle the questions.
A four-year-old in Vällingby finds a dead bird under the balcony one Tuesday in October. She wants to pick it up, she wants it to wake up, she asks whether it is sad. Her dad, who had not planned to discuss death before breakfast, stands there with a coffee cup trying to find the right words. That is roughly how it tends to start: not with a conversation you planned, but with a bird, a hamster or an elderly relative, and with questions that arrive when you least expect them. Here is what children understand at different ages, the words that work, and what usually goes wrong.
What children understand at different ages
| Age | What the child understands | How it shows |
|---|---|---|
| Under 3 | That someone is gone. Not that it is forever | Reacts to your grief and to changed routines more than to the death itself |
| 3 to 5 | That death exists, but believes it is temporary or can be undone | Asks the same thing many times. “Is Grandma coming on Saturday?” |
| 6 to 9 | That death is forever and happens to everyone. Wants to know how and why | Concrete questions about the body, the coffin, what happens next. May become afraid that others will die |
| 10 to 12 | Much like an adult, including that it could happen to them | May hide their grief, get angry, or ask about the meaning of it all |
The words that work, and the ones that cause trouble
| Say | Do not say | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Dead, died, has died | Fell asleep, passed away, is gone | Your child may become afraid of sleeping, or afraid that you will go away |
| The body stopped working and cannot be fixed | She got ill and died | Your child gets a cough next week and thinks they are going to die |
| Grandma was very, very old | Everyone dies | True, but a small child hears: you too, soon |
| It hurts to miss someone, I am sad too | Don't be sad now | Your child learns to hide their grief to protect you |
| I don't know | She is watching us from heaven (if you do not believe it yourselves) | Your child notices when you say something you do not mean |
If you have a faith, share it; your child is welcome to hear what you believe happens after death. But keep what happened to the body separate from what you believe about the soul, or a heaven you can look down from becomes a place you can also travel to. And never say that someone died because she was old without adding “very, very old”. Children know that you are old too.
When someone close dies: how to tell them
- Quickly. The same day, from you, before your child hears it from someone else or senses that something is wrong without being told what.
- At home, close. On your lap or right beside you, not across a table. Switch everything else off.
- Straight. “I have something sad to tell you. Grandpa died today.” Then a pause. Your child sets the pace.
- Concrete about how. “His heart stopped beating. He was in hospital and they tried to help him, but it didn't work.” No more than your child asks about.
- What happens now. “Tomorrow you go to förskola (municipal preschool, from age one) as usual. Next week there is a funeral.” The routine is the comfort.
- Cry if you need to. Your child learns that grief shows and can be shown. Just say that you are sad, not ill and not angry.
The funeral
Most children from the age of three or four do fine at the funeral, if they want to be there and know what is going to happen. Tell them: there is a coffin at the front, and Grandpa's body is inside it, but Grandpa cannot feel anything any more. There will be music and someone will talk about Grandpa. Many people will cry. It takes about an hour, and then there is coffee and cake. Have an adult your child knows, and who is not the person grieving most, who can take your child outside when it gets too long. Let your child draw something to put in the coffin or on the grave. Children who are kept away from the funeral often fill the gap with something worse than what actually happens.
Children grieve in bursts
Adults grieve in long stretches. Children grieve in bursts: five minutes of crying, then play, then a question at dinner, then nothing for two weeks, then a meltdown about something else entirely. This leads adults to think the child has not understood, or did not care. That is not so. Play is the child's way of resting from grief, and the questions come when the child has the energy for them. Grief also returns as the child grows older and understands more; a child who lost a parent at four grieves again at eight and at thirteen. That is not a setback but a new lap.
What helps is letting death be an ordinary topic of conversation. Talk about the person who died, use their name, look at photos, tell a story about something funny she did. Families who stop mentioning the dead, to spare the child or themselves, teach the child that it cannot be talked about. And let your child see that you are sad sometimes too. That is not a burden on the child. It is showing them how it is done.
The dead bird and the hamster
The first death most children encounter is an animal. Use it. Look at the bird together, talk about how it is not moving, not breathing, not feeling anything. Bury it, if you can. It is a small-scale rehearsal that makes the big one easier later. Do not say the hamster moved to a farm. Children find out, and then you have lost something that is hard to win back.
When to seek help
Grief is not an illness, and most children get through it with their adults. Seek help if, after a few months, your child is still sleeping badly, has stopped playing or seeing friends, often has stomach aches or headaches, is struggling at school, or talks about wanting to die themselves. Call 1177 (the national healthcare helpline) for help finding the right support, contact BVC (the child health clinic every family is enrolled in) for younger children or elevhälsan (the school health service) for school-age children. Children can call BRIS (the children's helpline) themselves on 116 111, anonymously and free of charge. There are also support groups for children who have lost someone close, in Stockholm run by the municipality, the church and independent organisations; ask the school counsellor or 1177 about what is available near you.
How we do it with our families
Aleksandra was with a family on Kungsholmen when the children's grandfather died. She had been their nanny for two years and was the one who picked up the six-year-old from school that afternoon while the parents were at the hospital. The parents had called her first and asked her to say only that Mum and Dad would have something to tell him when they got home, nothing more. She did what she always does: snack, the park, the book. In the weeks that followed she carried on as usual, and when the six-year-old wanted to talk about Grandpa over his snack, she listened and asked what he used to do. She wrote on her note what the child had talked about, so the parents knew. Being the same person who comes, with the same routine, when everything else has changed, was what she could give.
This text is general information and does not replace advice from BVC, your vårdcentral (local health centre) or 1177. If you are worried about your child, call 1177. In an emergency, call 112.
Would you like a nanny who knows your child, knows what is normal for them and notices when something is different? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home.
Read more: Divorce with children · Nightmares and night terrors in children · Bedtime stories for kids · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
What words should you use when talking to children about death?
Say dead, died, has died. Avoid “fell asleep”, “passed away” and “we lost”. Small children take words literally and may become afraid of sleeping, or afraid that you will go away from them. Explain concretely: the body stopped working, the heart stopped beating, and it cannot be fixed.
Should children go to the funeral?
Usually yes, if the child wants to and an adult can take them outside when they need it. Tell them in advance what is going to happen: the coffin, that people will cry, the music, that it takes about an hour. Children who are not allowed to attend often imagine something worse than what actually happens.
My child does not seem to be grieving at all. Is that normal?
Yes. Children grieve in bursts: they cry for five minutes and then play as usual. It does not mean they do not care. Grief comes back in waves, often when something reminds them, at holidays, or as the child grows older and understands more. Let the play be; it is the child's way of resting.
What do I say when my child asks whether I am going to die too?
The truth, in the right size: everyone dies at some point, but most people when they are very old, and you intend to live for a long time. A child who asks wants to know they are safe, not to get a lesson on mortality. Add who would look after them if something did happen; that reassures older children.
When should I seek help for my child's grief?
If, after several months, your child is still sleeping badly, has stopped playing, withdraws, often has stomach aches or headaches, or talks about wanting to die themselves. Call 1177 or contact BVC or elevhälsan (the school health service). Children can call BRIS (the children's helpline) themselves on 116 111. There are also support groups for grieving children.