Tell them together, at home, a few weeks before anything changes, and say the same thing to all the children at the same time. A child needs three messages: it is not their fault, both parents are still here, and this is how it will work in practice. The practical side is what children ask about, and it is what you need to have settled before you sit down.
It is a Sunday afternoon in a flat in Farsta, and two parents have decided that today is the day. The five-year-old is playing on the floor, the nine-year-old is on a tablet. They have been thinking about this conversation for weeks. When it finally happens it takes four minutes; the five-year-old asks whether she gets to keep her room, the nine-year-old goes to his room and shuts the door. Neither reaction is wrong. The conversation is not what decides how the children will cope. That is decided by the months that follow. But the conversation is the first thing the children will remember, and it can be done well.
Before you tell them: settle the practicalities
Children almost never ask why. They ask where they will live, who picks them up on Friday, whether the dog comes too, whether they get to keep their room, whether they will change schools. If you do not have answers to that, the conversation becomes a hole the child falls into. So decide, before you sit down: who moves out and when, what the living arrangements will look like at first, what happens with förskola (municipal preschool, from age one) and school, and what the child gets to take with them. It can be provisional, but it has to be concrete. 'Dad is moving to a flat in Bandhagen in March. You will live with Mum on weekdays to begin with, and with Dad every other weekend, and then we will see how it feels.' That is an answer a child can hold on to.
How to tell them
- Together. Both parents, so the child sees that you agree and that neither of you is disappearing. That applies even when it is hard to sit in the same room. If it really is not possible, tell them separately on the same day, using the same words.
- At home, on a calm day, in good time. Not in the evening before bed, not in the car, not the day before the move. A Saturday morning with the whole weekend left to react in.
- All the children at once. An older child who is told first has to carry a secret from their sibling. Adjust the language afterwards, one to one.
- Short and clear. 'Mum and Dad have decided that we are not going to live together any more. It is not because either of you has done anything. We are still your parents, both of us, and we are going to look after you.'
- The practicalities straight after. Where, when, who. That is where the child's questions will come.
- No details about why. Children do not need to know about infidelity, money or who wanted it. It burdens them and gives them a side to take.
- Accept the reaction, whatever it is. Silence, anger, walking away, asking what is for dinner. All of it is right.
What children of different ages understand and need
| Age | What the child understands | What the child needs |
|---|---|---|
| 0 to 2 years | Not the words, but changes in routines, atmosphere and who is there | The same routines in both homes, frequent handovers rather than long stretches |
| 3 to 5 years | That you will live apart, but often believes it is their fault or can be fixed | Repetition, simple answers, a calendar with pictures showing whose day it is |
| 6 to 9 years | Most of it, and often grieves visibly. May take sides and feel torn in their loyalties | Being allowed to be sad, not having to be the messenger, both parents asking about school |
| 10 to 12 years | Everything, including things you have not said. May get angry with one of you or withdraw | Having a say, being listened to about living arrangements, not having to hear you complain about each other |
The weeks after: reactions that are normal
Children often regress in something: wetting themselves, wanting to sleep in your bed, waking at night, getting a tummy ache in the morning. School-age children may lose concentration and get angry with friends. Preschoolers may ask every day whether you are getting back together, for months. These are not signs that you did something wrong. They are signs that something big has happened. What helps is dull: the same bedtime routine, the same times, the same answers to the same questions, and letting the child say everything they are thinking without you defending yourself or the other parent. Tell the preschool and the school what is happening, so they understand why the child is different.
What hurts most is not the divorce
Research on children and separation points fairly unanimously to one thing: it is the ongoing conflict between the parents that harms children, not living in two homes. Children whose parents divorce calmly and cooperate on the practicalities generally do well. Children who year after year hear one parent speak badly of the other, who are used as messengers, who are quizzed about what goes on at the other home, those children suffer regardless of the living arrangements. That is why the most important thing you can do for your child is to keep the conflict away from them, even when you are in the right. Never say anything about the other parent to your child that you would not say with the other parent sitting beside you. It is a hard rule and it is worth it.
Two homes, one routine
The more that is the same in both homes, the less the child has to keep track of. The same bedtime, the same screen rules, the same kind of breakfast. Handovers in a neutral place, such as preschool or school, are often calmer than handovers at the door. A calendar on the fridge in both homes, colour-coded for Mum and Dad, is the best tool for children under ten. And a person who stays the same whichever week it is, such as a A nanny with shared custody, can be one of the few things in the child's week that does not change.
Help that is available
- Familjerätten in your municipality (the municipal family law unit). Free cooperation talks about living arrangements, contact and maintenance. That is where you go first if you cannot agree.
- BRIS, 116 111 (the Swedish children's rights helpline). Children and young people can call, chat or email, anonymously. BRIS also has an adult helpline for parents who need to talk about their child.
- 1177 (the national healthcare helpline). Call if your child sleeps badly for weeks, stops eating, has a tummy ache every morning or seems low. They will refer you on to BVC (the child health clinic every family is enrolled in), elevhälsan (the school health team) or BUP (child and adolescent psychiatry).
- Preschool and school. Tell them. Many municipalities run groups for children whose parents have separated; ask elevhälsan.
- Someone for you. A parent who is struggling badly finds it hard to be the stable one. Your vårdcentral (local health centre) is the right place to start.
How we do it with our families
Since the spring, Sanna has looked after a six-year-old in Bromma whose parents separated in February. She picks up from school three days a week, in Mum's week as in Dad's, and walks home to whichever home the child is sleeping in that night. She brings the same snack, reads the same book and keeps the same screen rule in both flats. On her note she writes the same things to both parents, and she never writes anything about one to the other. In April the six-year-old asked whether Sanna was going to move too. She answered that she comes on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and she does.
This text is general information and does not replace advice from BVC, your vårdcentral or 1177. If you are worried about your child, call 1177. In an emergency, call 112.
Would you like a nanny who knows your child, knows what is normal for them and notices when something is different? Book a free first meeting with the nanny at your home.
Read more: A nanny with shared custody · Child who will not sleep alone · Setting boundaries without shouting · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
How do we tell the children we are getting divorced?
Together, at home, calmly, and to all the children at once so nobody has to carry a secret. Say that you have decided, that it is not the children's fault, that you are both still here, and how it will work in practice. Be prepared to get the same questions many times over.
How do children of different ages react to divorce?
Small children react to changes in routine and become clingier or regress in something. Preschoolers often believe it is their fault and may fantasise about you getting back together. School-age children become angry, sad or quiet, and sometimes take sides. Every age needs the same thing: predictability and two parents who do not fight in front of them.
Should the child alternate between two homes?
For many children, alternating weeks works well, provided the parents live close to each other and can cooperate. For small children, under three, shorter stretches and more frequent handovers are often recommended. There is no solution that suits everyone; familjerätten in your municipality offers cooperation talks where you can get help finding yours.
Where can we get help?
Familjerätten in your municipality offers free cooperation talks. Children can call BRIS on 116 111, and parents can call the BRIS adult helpline. Through 1177 you can get advice if your child is struggling, and the school health team or BVC can refer you on. Many municipalities also run groups for children whose parents have separated.
Can a nanny help during a divorce?
Yes, in a concrete way: the same nanny in both homes gives the child one person and one routine that do not change. She picks up from preschool the same way whichever week it is. It does not resolve the grief, but it removes one of the changes.