Children who will not sleep alone need two things: to know that you are coming back, and to practise in small steps. The method that works without tears is to stay sitting in the room and move the chair a little closer to the door every third night. It takes two to four weeks, and it requires you to do the same thing every night, Fridays included.
Quarter to nine on a Tuesday in Enskede. A four-year-old has been in bed since half past seven. Mum has left the room three times and come back three times. Now she is lying on the floor next to the bed with one hand through the bars, hoping the child falls asleep before she does. It has been like this for six months. It can be changed, and it can be done without the child crying herself to sleep.
Why does my child not want to sleep alone?
The reason looks different depending on age, and that determines what helps.
| Age | Common cause | What helps most |
|---|---|---|
| 1 to 2 years | Separation anxiety: the child is not sure you still exist once you have left | A predictable routine, the same words every night, always coming back when you said you would |
| 3 to 5 years | Imagination: darkness, monsters, sounds that turn into something else | A night light, the door ajar, taking the fear seriously without confirming the monster |
| 6 to 9 years | Thoughts: death, burglars, something happening to you | Talk during the day, a firm routine, a short ending to the evening |
| All ages | Habit: the child has never fallen asleep alone and does not know how | Practise in small steps, the same every night |
First: is it a problem?
There is no rule that says children must sleep alone by a certain age. Many families co-sleep for years and are happy doing so. It becomes a problem in three situations: when someone in the family sleeps badly, when you as parents lose the whole evening every day for months, or when your child cannot sleep anywhere else at all. If none of those apply, leave it be. If any of them do, read on.
Our view, after many evenings with families, is that it is not the co-sleeping itself that wears you down but the unplanned part. Lying on your child's floor for an hour every evening without knowing whether it will turn into two. That is what you should change, not necessarily where your child sleeps.
The chair method step by step
The method relies on you staying in the room but doing less and less, and sitting further and further away. Your child never falls asleep alone and afraid. They fall asleep with you in the room, and then with you a little further away, until you are standing in the doorway.
- Nights 1 to 3: take a chair and sit next to the bed after the bedtime routine. You do not pat, you do not chat, you sit. Your child may talk, you answer briefly: I am here, now we sleep. Stay until your child has fallen asleep.
- Nights 4 to 6: move the chair halfway to the door. Same rules. Your child can see you, but cannot reach you.
- Nights 7 to 9: the chair is in the doorway. You sit with your back to the room or read on your phone with the screen dimmed. Your child can hear that you are there.
- Nights 10 to 12: the chair is outside the door, door ajar. Your child cannot see you but knows you are sitting there. Say so: I am sitting right outside.
- Night 13 onwards: you leave the room after the routine and say you will come and check in five minutes. Do it, even if your child is quiet. Then ten minutes. Most children are asleep before the second check.
- Setbacks: illness, travel or a scary film can send you back two steps. Go back to that step, not to the beginning.
It takes time each evening in the first weeks, often half an hour or more. That is why it is important to start at a time when you have the energy, not the week before a move.
What does not work
- Leaving your child to cry until they fall asleep. It can work within a few days, but a child who falls asleep from exhaustion has not learned to sleep alone, they have learned that nobody comes. We do not recommend it
- Mixing methods. Monday the chair, Tuesday your bed, Wednesday crying. Your child learns that holding out pays, because sometimes it works
- Negotiating after lights out. A glass of water, one more book, one more question. Everything that might be needed should be done before the light goes off
- Threatening. If you do not go to sleep now there is no playground tomorrow. Your child gets more scared, not more tired
- Giving up on night four. Nights three and four are often the worst. Night six is usually better
From your bed to their own room
Children who have always slept with you need an in-between step. Many families have success with a mattress on the floor in the parents' bedroom for a few weeks: the child sleeps in their own bed, but in your room. The next step is the child's own room with the chair method above. A child who has been allowed to help choose the sheets, the night light and which cuddly toy will stand guard is usually more willing, but do not expect that to be enough.
Night-time visits at three in the morning
The child who falls asleep nicely but comes in to you in the middle of the night is a separate matter. What works is boring but effective: walk your child back, calmly and quietly, and stay until they have fallen asleep again. No discussion, no light, no water. The first week it may be four times a night. The second week once. By the third week most children sleep through. If your child is sometimes allowed to stay with you it becomes considerably harder, because then there is always a chance.
If your child is frightened after a nightmare, that is different: then you comfort them, and you do it in their bed. Our guide to Nightmares and night terrors in children explains the difference from night terrors, where you should not wake the child at all.
How we do it with our families
Esther looks after a five-year-old in Nacka two evenings a week when the parents work late, and when she started the child would not fall asleep unless someone lay next to her. The parents and Esther agreed to run the chair method in exactly the same way all seven nights, and Esther wrote on the note where the chair was and how long it took. Night one, 45 minutes with the chair by the bed. Night eleven, twelve minutes with the chair in the corridor. What made the difference was that all three adults did the same thing and said the same sentence: I am here, now we sleep.
This text is general information and does not replace advice from BVC (the child health clinic every family is enrolled in), your vårdcentral (local health centre) or 1177 (the national healthcare helpline). If you are worried about your child, call 1177. In an emergency, call 112.
Would you like a nanny who knows your child, knows how things usually are and notices when something is different? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home.
Read more: Bedtime routine for children · Children who are afraid of the dark · Nightmares and night terrors in children · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
Is it wrong to let our child sleep in our bed?
No, not if everyone in the family sleeps well and you have chosen it. It only becomes a problem when someone is lying awake, when you lose your own evening or when your child cannot sleep anywhere else, at grandma's for example. Then it is time to practise, in small steps and without tears.
How long does it take to teach a child to sleep alone?
With the chair method, where you stay in the room and move a little at a time, it usually takes two to four weeks. It requires you to do the same thing every night. If you mix methods, or give up on night four and take your child into your bed, you start again from the beginning.
What do we do when our child comes in to us in the middle of the night?
Walk your child back to their bed, calmly and with as few words as possible, and stay until they have fallen asleep again. It may need repeating several times the first few nights. Sometimes letting your child stay and sometimes walking them back makes it harder for them to understand what the rule is.
My child is six and still does not want to sleep alone, is that normal?
It is more common than you would think. School-age children often get a new wave of bedtime worry when they start thinking about things like illness, burglars and death. Talk about the thoughts during the day, not at bedtime, and give a firm routine for how the evening ends. If it does not pass within a few months, ask the school nurse or BVC.