A child protesting at drop-off a few weeks after inskolning (the settling-in period at förskola, the municipal preschool from age one), after a holiday or when a sibling is at home is normal, and it usually passes within two to three weeks with the same routine every morning. Refusal that starts suddenly in a child who was previously happy, or that lasts more than a month, means you need to talk to the förskola about what is happening during the day.
It is quarter past seven on a Wednesday in November in Hässelby. A three-year-old is lying on the hallway floor with one shoe on, saying he is not going to förskola, he is staying at home, he hates förskola. Mum is due at work at half past eight. She does not know whether to comfort him, get cross, ring work or ring the förskola. This is one of the most common mornings in Stockholm's suburbs, and it almost always has an explanation other than something being wrong with the förskola. But sometimes there is. Here is how to tell them apart.
Common causes, and what they look like
| Cause | What it usually looks like | What helps |
|---|---|---|
| After inskolning (weeks 3 to 6) | The first weeks went well, then the protests come when the child has realised this is for real | The same goodbye every day, no extra days off, it passes |
| After a holiday or illness | The child has got used to being at home and comes back to a group that has moved on | Ideally start with a shorter first day, then normal hours straight away |
| A sibling at home with a parent | "Why does he get to stay home with you?" Entirely understandable | Pick the child up early for a few days, one-to-one time in the evening, never "but you are a big girl now" |
| Tired or ill | Refuses everything, not just förskola. Whines, clings, eats poorly | Check sleep and see whether the child is coming down with something |
| New group, new staff, a friend has left | The child mentions names, misses someone, wants to go to the "old" one | Talk to the förskola about how the transition is handled, ask for a safe adult |
| Something that happened at förskola | Sudden refusal in a child who was happy, fear of a person or place, does not want to talk about it | A meeting with the förskola, listen to the child without leading, follow up |
| The drop-off itself | Cries at the door, stops within five minutes, happy for the rest of the day | A shorter, clearer goodbye, see our guide on drop-offs |
What to ask, and how
"How was förskola today?" gets the same answer from every child: fine, or nothing. Ask about something concrete instead, ideally while you are doing something else: "Who did you sit next to at lunch?" "What did you do outside?" "Who was sad today?" Children under four cannot answer why they do not want to go, so the question "why don't you want to?" leads nowhere and often upsets them more. Children from five can sometimes tell you about something that happened, but rarely when asked directly, more often in the car, in the bath or once the light is off.
Listen, too, to what your child says in passing. "I don't want to be with Erik" or "the teacher shouted" are small sentences worth following up with the förskola, calmly and without jumping to conclusions. Children exaggerate, but they rarely make things up entirely.
The morning: what makes the protest bigger
- Negotiating. Every morning you discuss whether your child is going teaches them that the question is open. It is not open. Förskola is like your job: you go.
- Rushing. Your child senses your stress and reads it as something being dangerous. Get up twenty minutes earlier during the weeks it is hard.
- Dragging out the goodbye. The longer you stand in the hallway, the worse it gets. Hand over to a member of staff and go.
- Rewarding the protest with a day at home. Children quickly learn what works.
- Talking about tomorrow in the evening. "Tomorrow you have to be good at förskola" gives an anxious night. Talk about something fun instead: what your child is going to play, who is picking them up.
Talking to the förskola: questions to ask
- How is she doing ten minutes after I have left? And an hour after?
- Who does she play with? Is there any day she is on her own?
- Is there an adult she goes to? Who?
- Has anything changed in the last few weeks: staff, groups, routines, a friend who has left?
- Is there any situation during the day she seems to find hard: rest time, meals, circle time, the yard?
- What do you do when she is sad? What helps?
The answers say a lot. A förskola that can answer these questions concretely sees your child. A förskola that answers "it is going really well" to everything without details perhaps does not, and then it is worth asking for a meeting. Read our guide to Parent-teacher meetings at förskola too, which has more questions.
When it is something at the förskola
Sometimes it is the förskola. A group with too many children and too few adults, a member of staff who shouts, a child who hits and nobody with time to see it. The signs are that the refusal started suddenly in a child who was happy, that your child is afraid of a particular person or place, that your child has bruises or tells you things that do not match the förskola's version, or that other parents are noticing the same thing. Then arrange a meeting with the head of the förskola, not just the group staff. Write down what you have seen and when. And if you do not get answers you trust: you are allowed to change förskola, and the municipality's preschool placement office will help you. Do not change as a first step, though, because a new inskolning is hard too, and if the problem was the drop-off it will come with you.
Eight weeks later
Most periods of förskola refusal are over within two to three weeks. If two months have passed with steady mornings, the same goodbye, no changes at home, and your child still cries every day and seems unhappy in the afternoons, then it is not a phase. Then something needs to change: the group, the förskola, or the hours. Some children, especially the youngest, cannot cope with nine hours a day. Shorter days a few days a week, with a A nanny who picks up from preschool, is a solution many families in Stockholm land on when the förskola itself is good but the day is too long.
How we do it with our families
Doaa picks up a two-year-old in Spånga three days a week, and in September the family had a spell when he refused every morning. The parents dropped off; Doaa picked up. She asked the staff the same thing every day: how long did he cry after drop-off, and what did he do afterwards. The answers were two to five minutes, then the sandpit. She wrote it on the note every day, so the parents could see the pattern: the morning was hard, the day was good. That let them get through the mornings without changing anything, and after three weeks it was over. Had the answers been different, the note would have looked different.
Would you like a nanny who comes on the same days every week and whom the children know? Book a free first meeting with the nanny in your home, and we will work out a quote for your hours.
Read more: Preschool drop-off without tears · Settling in at förskola · Separation anxiety in babies and toddlers · FAQ
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for a child not to want to go to förskola?
Yes, in phases. Most common is a few weeks after inskolning, after a holiday, when a sibling is at home with a parent, when changing groups, and around two to three when the child discovers they can say no. It usually passes within two to three weeks if the morning routine stays the same.
How do I know if something is wrong at the förskola?
Ask the staff concrete questions: who does your child play with, what does your child do at drop-off after you have left, what does the day look like. If your child was previously happy and the refusal starts suddenly, if your child mentions a particular person or place, or if it lasts more than a month despite steady mornings, arrange a meeting with the förskola.
Should we let our child stay home for a day when they do not want to go?
Preferably not as a response to the protest, because then your child learns that protesting works. If your child is ill or clearly exhausted, that is a different matter. If you need a break, plan it in advance as a day off, not as the result of tears in the hallway.
Does it help to talk to my child about why?
With children under four, rarely, they cannot answer why. Ask about concrete things instead: who did you play with, what did you eat, what did you do outside. Children from five can sometimes tell you about something that happened, usually while you are doing something else at the same time, like walking or bathing.
Can my child change förskola?
Yes, but wait until you know what the problem is. A change solves it if the problem lies with the förskola. It solves nothing if the problem is the drop-off, a spell of separation anxiety or tiredness, and then your child gets a new inskolning into the bargain.